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Old 01-04-2013, 03:32 AM   #1
jiminizzle
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Coming Down, Cleveland Avenue
Lightbulb Hallelujah, Blackout

Hallelujah, Back Out
for M., who will never know

In a dream I find you somewhere
along a road with no mile markers,
the distance from the end
the same as the beginning,
because you are there,

the powerplant over the hill
aches with rust, urges the town
somewhere in the distance ahead
to wake from haze and dusk,
but the streetlights don't flicker on,

the houses donít materialize,
the empty flagpoles
rattle in the wind. The last of the light
lets go of you, and we disappear.
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Old 01-04-2013, 04:37 PM   #2
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
 
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Your last two stanzas are great. The first one is just sort of boring to me. It's just a cliche idea and the execution isn't very strong.

The words, "I, you, the, as, are" (which while somewhat necessary, say so little) make up almost one third of the stanza (32%). That's not counting the "a's" either, which I left out because they are required for some nouns.

It's just so inefficient with words and paints so little of a picture compared to the rest. I wish there was a better introduction of characters, then you could have the next two stanzas and then add on. I love what you've done in the second stanza.
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Old 01-08-2013, 05:57 AM   #3
jiminizzle
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thanks zach. I see what you're saying. I'm not sure the opening really fits for me either. I stole it from another poem where it fit better, but that was less finished in order to start this one. but it's served its purpose in that regard. I'll see what I can do.

Do you have anything you want me to look at? Lord knows it's been a while since I've given you anything useful.
thanks again
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Old 01-08-2013, 10:05 AM   #4
ZanasCross
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I don't have anything really. I haven't written much in a year, so there hasn't been anything to critique. If you feel like bumping a really old piece, either one of these, I'd still appreciate more insight on (don't feel obligated, these are more than a year old). I keep trying to re-write them to clean them up, but I haven't settled on a finished product yet (I sort of view these and a few others in my sig as the highpoint of my writing, whether everyone agrees or not, I don't care):

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1469305
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1512255
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