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Old 12-20-2012, 12:42 AM   #1
PonyFan #144884
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Wisconsin
No. 1

I don't know where I've been

|If I can keep my heart/I can keep my head|

(...and fend of all their legions...

...for neither rhyme nor reason...)

I don't believe that this is really happening
and it's sad to say but it seems I've lost the plot again.

there's the human I was born,
and the person I became.
I was calm before the storm,
now I'm angry in the rain.

and it's sad/to/say but it seems/I've/lost/the/plot again

It's all in my mind,
but I keep in time,
or at least, I try,
I haven't been alive in such a great while.
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Old 12-20-2012, 01:15 AM   #2
PonyFan #1292322
crazysam23_Atax's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2009
I really like that. It's piece that I can relate to a bit (not because I'm ever pessimistic for very long, but because we all feel like shit sometimes).

Originally Posted by zero27
there's the human I was born,
and the person I became.

The only change I would suggest is to maybe change "human" to "person". It's sort of a disconnect in the reader/listener's mind. If you're purposely going for said disconnect, cool. But yeah, I'd change it; it'd make it flow smoother.

See how it feels to you.
there's the person I was born, and the person I became.

Crit mine? (Oh, do me a favor and please read the other posts in the thread quick.)


Now working on my upcoming EP "Discarnate". See the expected track list on my bandcamp.

Terry Prachett is funnier than you! Discworld
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