Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 09-24-2012, 11:27 PM   #1
cubs
x
 
cubs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: mexico city
seven blossoms & tilia

set the microwave for two minutes
Ďcause i want some tea
with a spice of rum in, i mean,
with an amplified wi-fi signal
and an empty can of beer,
mad criaturas is all that i see, xayactzincomalli,
syncopated cigarrette burns of reality,
itís not ready yet, how-
itís ready, the tea i mean
iím a little bluer now.
cubs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2012, 08:02 AM   #2
AtReYuRoCk
i hate my username
 
AtReYuRoCk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Belgium
Well this is nice..

The only thing that i didn't like was the repetition of 'now' it seemed a bit forced.
It's short and strong
__________________
Here my voice goes to ones and zeros...
AtReYuRoCk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2012, 08:25 PM   #3
Something_Vague
Blanched in White Oars
 
Something_Vague's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Not really sure what xayactzincomalli means. I sense it is south american but I can't find a translation.

Syncopated cigarette burns of reality doesn't work in the slightest. I can definately see how you could think it works, the "syn" sounds good with the "cig" but the syllable count is way off for a line like that, and "burns of reality" is real lame sounding.

I get an overt drug vibe from this, maybe opium tea, or Ayahuasca.

Anyway, it was okay, I definately think the beginning was strong but the end lost my attention in a negative way.
__________________


and brother you're a hunter and you're right at home

APEYARD HOLLER
Something_Vague is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2012, 09:35 PM   #4
smartalecG94
UG's Resident MoonMoon
 
smartalecG94's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Chasing a stick
Vague, I see your hangup as far as the syllable count on syncopated cigarette burns, but that's only really valid if this is a lyrical piece; it came across to me as more of a freeform poem, in which case there is really no syllable count. I do agree that "burns of reality" sounds a bit overworked, though.

Aside, I liked the piece, the chaos in it seems intended and is portrayed well
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by captainsnazz
That's some nice hair you've got there.


I'm watching you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.
smartalecG94 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-25-2012, 11:00 PM   #5
longtian006
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Grats, solid peace. But, I have never seen them called the "muathin" before. Nor, can I find info on the use of that word. Thought it was the Muadhin. Care to elaborate?









----------------------------------------------------------------------
obd2 connector |uobd2 mixed bundling |heavy duty diagnostic software
longtian006 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-2012, 02:41 PM   #6
Adub
Registered User
 
Adub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
even though I don't know what that long word is, it ryhmes, and it makes you wonder what the heck it's all about...a little intrigue goes a long way.

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1570421
__________________
Pain is temporary. Stupid is forever. - Some really friggin' smart dead dude
Adub is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-2012, 03:13 PM   #7
Ganoosh
big gay celadon crocodile
 
Ganoosh's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Fat and Easy, Georgia, America
Quote:
Originally Posted by smartalecG94
Vague, I see your hangup as far as the syllable count on syncopated cigarette burns, but that's only really valid if this is a lyrical piece; it came across to me as more of a freeform poem, in which case there is really no syllable count. I do agree that "burns of reality" sounds a bit overworked, though.

Aside, I liked the piece, the chaos in it seems intended and is portrayed well



Doing away with traditional structure doesn't mean you can forget about cadence or flow or rhythm or whatever you may want to call it -- a few out of place words can still sound awkward even if the piece is without a specific "syllable count".


As always Allen, I like your work. The cigarette burns line was a little weird but I don't see it ruining the whole piece, just a little nitpicky thing for me at least. Hope you made up that huge word.
__________________
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black

Last edited by Ganoosh : 10-29-2012 at 03:15 PM.
Ganoosh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-2012, 05:27 PM   #8
cubs
x
 
cubs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: mexico city
yes, i sort of made the word up. it's nahual, a prehispanic language, the one the aztecs spoke, i'm studying it at school, and it's awesome. the word is made from 'xayactzin' (little face) and 'comalli' (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comal_(cookware) ), my mom used to say i had a 'comalface' as a child though.

thank y'all for reading. i don't feel too proud or whatever of this poem. it was something quick i wrote while i was literally waiting for water to boil to make tea. i agree with everyone's comments about those particular lines, it's not good. also for the record i wasn't really counting syllables here at all. thanks
cubs is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-31-2012, 12:58 AM   #9
bluesybilly
Worlds Biggest Douche
 
bluesybilly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Land of the Douche
Have I ever told you I think you're writings amazing? Well I think you're writing is amazing.
bluesybilly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-07-2012, 12:45 PM   #10
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
 
vintage x metal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
oh god alan whatever you are taking please keep taking it and then wake me up with a phone call one morning.



you would love my friends. i've got to show this to them.
p.s. dont let this place discourage you
__________________
GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY



Quote:
Originally Posted by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to alaskan_ninja
vintage x metal is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:02 PM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.