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Old 11-30-2012, 07:23 AM   #1
JimiJamesThe2nd
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Oh Holy Couch of Teenage Fingerblasting

Alone, sitting on your bed
as you dress yourself in the bathroom
with garb which will be discarded
even still, you dress
and I undress,
taking from my shoulders
the weight of cloth
once draped lovingly along
the couch of my boyhood,
the seams of which were pulled
in fettered moments of solemnity
by the shaking hands of
a sixteen year old in love,
and I am shedding now
the excess baggage,
the skin and bone,
from the crumpled pile of clothes
and organic machinery
I take the heart,
setting it atop your bedside
on top of your alarm clock
so in the morning
when I know to leave,
if I know to leave,
I will not forget it
for you to keep and never give back.
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Old 12-02-2012, 05:51 PM   #2
seventh_angel
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Please add full stops to this piece. filling it all with commas doesn't do any justice to a good read. Also, I stumbled a bit upon the phrases with "which"; in my opinion, it doesn't sound very well. Another moment that I think could be worked is "and I am shedding now/the excess baggage"

All in all, I found this quite good, and I noticed I've been enjoying your poems lately, so keep on bringing them !
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:38 PM   #3
JohnnyV
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Love the title first of all

I think this is very well written, especially the last 8 lines protecting the heart.
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Old 12-03-2012, 04:03 AM   #4
cubs
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i like this. i think it is nicely paced. though i agree with what seventh_angel says about punctuation, you should organize that more, or maybe even drop the punctuation and play with your linebreaks more (i think they could use some revision), that could work too for a piece like this.
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:09 PM   #5
kdownes
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Congratulations for taking a cliched, overused topic and managing to breathe a bit of life and originality into it. I won't add to the comments on punctuation and line breaks as they've already been made. Give this a bit of polish around the edges, and you've got a great little gem here.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:49 AM   #6
21wickwing
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This poem is great as a whole. I think the last 8 lines could stand alone as a poem that means a lot more personally. However the rest does add a bit of color. I just think the last 8 lines can be taken out, stand alone, and be its own poem, which would be more powerful.

Mind if you crit mine? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1577180
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:11 AM   #7
SilentProtest
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 21wickwing
This poem is great as a whole. I think the last 8 lines could stand alone as a poem that means a lot more personally. However the rest does add a bit of color. I just think the last 8 lines can be taken out, stand alone, and be its own poem, which would be more powerful.

Mind if you crit mine? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1577180


My thoughts^
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