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Old 02-09-2013, 03:12 PM   #1
the bartender
UG's biology teacher
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Always Climbing Up

If you have
the time
please look around
rush ahead

because there's
only cliffs

As you turn
your head
you smile and say
that you're not
to die

but in fact
you're scared
to death

Our hearts
will change
as we say goodbye
we come
to see

It's all
up we

I'm not content with everything yet, there's a few lines I dislike, but I'd like to hear some opinions anyway.
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children

You must not do it anymore
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Old 02-12-2013, 01:30 PM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Well, it wasn't that bad actually. Apart from the title, which I think is a bit mundane. But I thought the space in between the stanzas really worked for this piece, sorta gave that image of walking on the thin line I wrote a similar'ish piece which is in my sig, check it out!
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