Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 12-14-2013, 09:43 PM   #1
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
 
vintage x metal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
WotW: temporary

I've kissed your temples, your cheeks,
the breaths in your sleep,
your hot cups of tea,
your sad jealousy,
your shipwrecked voice at the end of the pier, screaming
"please don't mind me!
I'll be right here!
the storm's lasting long but

whatever!"


yeah, 'whatever'...
see you next dream x
__________________
GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY



Quote:
Originally Posted by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal : 12-14-2013 at 09:47 PM.
vintage x metal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-15-2013, 01:19 PM   #2
rushmore
bblblubluewhale
 
rushmore's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
won
der
ful.
__________________
Blog of my writing
rushmore is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-15-2013, 04:49 PM   #3
hippieboy444
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
i thought the turn of the quoted part and thereafter (proceeding the line "…end of the pier, screaming") was out of voice. especially "whatever". you had such control of the pacing and precision preceding this part that it feels, to me, that you sort of gave up at the end. it's like there's all this intimacy and then it becomes blase and lackluster, which i think is the point, but even the writing loses it's precision and luster. maybe you can salvage the emotion (or lack thereof) while preserving the actual writing. if that makes sense.
__________________
wild blue yonder
hippieboy444 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 10:14 AM   #4
circular.parade
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Quote:
Originally Posted by rushmore
won
der
ful.

this
__________________
Writings
circular.parade is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 04:19 PM   #5
Jammydude44
Bad Santa
 
Jammydude44's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
See for me there's this pulsing rush of emotion that lapses into slight juvenalia. In fact the last two lines sum up my approach at critiquing this - neither the character or writer seem intent on really exploring what came before it. I've probably said before in the past how exciting you can be when you open up and explore more - I think sometimes your brevity means you shy away from further exploration. I mean this is a nice few lines but it's not going to stay with me. But if you had really explored this: "I've kissed your temples, your cheeks,/the breaths in your sleep," it might well have lingered longer.

My two pence. Have a good day
Jammydude44 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-20-2013, 08:14 PM   #6
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
 
vintage x metal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
damn, thank you for the wotw


I do think the ending is a bit juvenile; I was hoping for 'flippant', in a way that is in relation (but still in contrast) to the intimacy of the beginning. Perhaps I need to tweak the last bit to make that read better. Let me know if you have any suggestions, or links for your own poems
__________________
GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY



Quote:
Originally Posted by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to alaskan_ninja
vintage x metal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-21-2013, 10:45 AM   #7
circular.parade
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
yeah well every single line for me resonates so much. except the ending couplet. I can still take this for what it is and enjoy the shit out of it and thank you for sharing. as far as the piece itself goes, since you asked ; sometimes those contrast and changes in tones help highlight what it is that you were really saying. in this case, i'd end it on something else. I like your last image, i just wish you switched the first whatever, and ended up on whatever else it is you have to say. you've got something strong here. make the most of it.

you're fantastic. <3
__________________
Writings
circular.parade is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:56 AM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.