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Old 05-05-2013, 06:34 PM   #1
zack_as
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Join Date: Apr 2013
to go back

you see me running and laughing
wind in my hair
chasing the shadows
in the warm summer air

when i had no fears
but the monster under my bed
then having someone hold me
and say its alright

to go back to the time
with the free innocence
when i didn't have to worry
about what people say
i could just be myself
and live fearlessly

now i'm in high school
feeling the pressure
i never thought it would be this rough
what am i suppose to do

and is it too late
to go back before
i lost some of that innocence
that i held so dear

to be standing in front of a crowd
about to begin the rest of my life
with that piece of paper
that everyone makes such a big deal about

who is this person i grew up to be
how did this man used to be me
now with all the pressures college will bring
will i ever be that boy who was so free

Last edited by zack_as : 05-19-2013 at 01:12 PM.
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Old 05-07-2013, 03:59 PM   #2
Cyclones41
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This was hard to read because there didn't seem to be a very consistent flow with it. It was also super simple--which I normally like--but it could stand to have some imagery. The topic is one that's been done a bunch, so you have to do something that makes it uniquely yours. That said, it's not terrible...sounds like high school writing, which, from the topic, seems to be about right. Thanks for your comment on my piece.
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Old 05-10-2013, 11:21 PM   #3
24WildRovers
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you see me running and laughing
wind in my hair
chasing the shadows
in the warm summer air

when i had no fears
but the monster under my bed
then having someone hold me
and say its alright

to go back to the time
with the free innocence
when i didn't have to worry
about what people say
i could just be myself
and live fearlessly

a few years later
you see me hanging with friends
i lost some of that innocence
that i held so dear

the pressures of high school
of needing to fit in
has left me broken
how can i be fixed
By the time the reader gets this far he is uninterested and will simply move on unless you add some hooking charecter. I think this stanza should be rewritten to have some sort of 'child's' perspective of high school. What I mean is you need an image and/or analogy that holds a child-like essense of naive. And what you could do is divide this piece into a suite (though I have only read to this point so far.) But in doing this you can have the intro section about the nastalgia of childhood. Then use this stanza as the start of the section containing the mile-stone or right-of-passages that have evolved you from whom you were. Maybe a light reference to the child inside still.Also I think either moving whatever you put here before the previous stanza or omitting that stanza entirely

oh to go back to that time
before all the pressure
was weighing down on me
i have so much more life
i still have to live
i'm still just a kid

Another un-needed stanza. It is repeatative aimlessness such as this that you lose readers to. I would say you don't need this at all

now i'm standing in front of a crowd
staring at the rest of my life
with that piece of paper
that everyone says is my whole career
If you go with the suite styled writting, I could see a re-written reference to the diploma/degree/certfication working really well as a final stanza on this middle part of the suite. Then you can start thr next section about the future maybe, so it becomes a past/present/future tense song

who is this person i grew up to be
how did this man used to be me
now with all the pressures college will bring
will i ever be the boy thatwas so free

i wish i could go back
before the unknown
back when the world was so clear
why did life have to be so hard
is it possible to go back
back where there was innocence
back where there was me

I see that you appear to hold tight to your nastalgia here, but I think rewritting this as a time tense suite would be much better read. Add some imagry, possibly from the child's point of view and tie it all in with a closing stanza that says somthing about how the child and adult were always destined to be together because one is the other only with differences in experiences. All just personal thoughts I had as I read this piece
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