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Old 12-09-2012, 05:04 PM   #1
seventh_angel
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WotW - Leaving The Observation Room

Leaving the Observation Room,
enveloping my arm around hers
(a premonition to a crown of flowers)
looking at the line of lights
as they persuade
the tears to drip back behind my eyes.
She wouldn’t handle if I cried.
I could tell by the way her feeble elder hands
grabbed my sleeve with the most youthful strength.
She knew,
from the denouncing silence,
from the hurried gait
to the most isolated corner
where our bodies winced,
failing to remain straight,
she knew
she had just said goodbye
to her companion through life.

“There’s a turmoil of memories and I grasp none.”

Last edited by seventh_angel : 12-09-2012 at 05:08 PM.
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Old 12-09-2012, 11:26 PM   #2
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Dude, this. This is a wonderful poem in my honest opinion. Great job!
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:18 AM   #3
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Is this a follow on from Coma? It feels very thematically similar. There's a honesty and rawness to both of these that's made it difficult to truly offer a critique. I feel like they mean something to you.
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:14 AM   #4
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Old 12-10-2012, 06:30 AM   #5
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this I cannot crit. Honest, bold and raw. It's a beautiful poem.
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Old 12-10-2012, 07:23 AM   #6
seventh_angel
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Thank you all guys. Yes Kyle, both those poems are about the death of my grandfather. They just have different perspectives. Everything is still very recent, so I guess I'll make one or two more, depending on what happens from now on. But thankfully, everyone is dealing with it in the best way we can, which is really good and makes me happy.

Thanks again for finding this beautiful guys
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:26 AM   #7
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If I had to be honest, I think I preferred this one. The first felt over cluttered and un-organised. A product of the emotions and times, I'm sure, but the message and meaning here is so much more clear and powerful. Glad to hear everyone is managing, losing someone that close is never easy.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:17 PM   #8
Cyclones41
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Sorry for your loss, Andre. I agree with Kyle, though. I much prefer this one to Coma. This is quality work, man. Congrats on WOTW.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:19 PM   #9
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there were some things that irked me in this one, but i would feel uncomfortable bringing them up. I'm very sorry for your loss, man. Warmth and prayers coming your way
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:48 PM   #10
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Consider WotW well deserved
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Old 12-10-2012, 07:52 PM   #11
seventh_angel
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Oh my, thank you guys ! You are all so kind; your words mean a lot

Also, there's no need to feel uncomfortable by poiting out some things that didn't work for you Dylan. It's still a poem and every note is important for me to grow as a writer.

Thank you all so much for the WotW, and mostly for your support.
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Old 12-18-2012, 10:30 AM   #12
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Thanks for coming back, Andre. It's a pleasure to see your work again. You've progressed over these two years greatly.
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:30 PM   #13
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Congrats on the WotW, Andre. Sorry for your loss, man. I lost my grandfather a little over two years ago and it's still pretty raw for me too, so I understand some of how you're feeling and what you're trying to portray in these. Also, the bit about "she had just said goodbye
to her companion through life" hit especially hard, because my grandma pretty much lost her mind when my grandpa passed. WotW well earned in my opinion.
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