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Old 05-23-2014, 01:57 PM   #1
Eccer
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Something quite so funny, but not as funny when you think about it.

( Shoot it, it is what it is. A quirky experimental pathetic love story, enjoy!)


Her boobs were surreal, and kept growing inside my mind as the dream expanded on. And she was there within me a times --// obsession solely fixated on her.

In reality I've met her rarely, I even asked her out once though an immediate no would arise from then and left me stranded, ...given the age difference?....her dream resents me... . .. ..

Each sequence would leave me with a different feeling of following
-
perhaps... the most colorful of them all. Was when I had to make an impression to her dad, he owned a car fixing company out in the fields... ..
-following her through the woods, seemingly resenting me though like her father, summer was overriding....... .. . .. .... ..


...a canvas
fluttering of butterflies and dotted skirts as I struggled
to reach them...

her's
is only an obstacle.

When it tried to escape me, my mind would relocate...and she was there again...until I was totally captivated again...


...a sequence like a spiral overhanging frames of different occasions and settings.

She'd eventually drown in a blur, until I was where and when and how

-already forgotten-

...and on my day to work like it was supposed to be...


((( I'd realise just what this dream like a gateway was a parallax in front of her and I remembered for whats remembered for w-h-a-t-s -reememb-e ))) - -r ed
it's
only
... differential... .. .. .


For she's a whole package whilst I am not, a match in spirit but appearance
naught.


Dreams and reality are usually separate, but this one ended in a grey like matter though a distinctive resemblance to one another as the moral of this story, so my dream. My utter subconsciousness was telling me how to forget the whole damn thing, to let go. And I was laughing to myself for a moment thinking, but even something quite so funny, is not as funny when you think about it, at all.
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Old 05-23-2014, 07:07 PM   #2
ConnorMcKenzie
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gay
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Old 05-24-2014, 01:53 PM   #3
doubtfulsalmon
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Originally Posted by ConnorMcKenzie
gay

Your homophobia is not welcome here.




eccer, didn't you post this a week or so ago? then it disappeared. I think this is some great storytelling and I enjoyed it. I'll get back with a proper critique sometime soon.
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words words words

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Old 05-25-2014, 11:35 AM   #4
21wickwing
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I like the context here, and the poem/story definitely manages to pull in the reader and capture his/her/its? attention. I also loved the part where you messed with the word "remembered" although I think that part would have been even more powerful if what followed it played on the word "red" a bit. Perhaps shifting to another matching color "and blue ... "

Last edited by 21wickwing : 05-25-2014 at 11:36 AM.
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Old 05-25-2014, 11:53 AM   #5
Eccer
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^ I think you over-analyzed that part there... I just meant for the word to disjoint within the parallax of ((( ))) if you get what I mean. But cool anyways, didn't notice there was a word there...but I agree, that part needs some power to it, not sure how.

doubtful: I did post it last week, thought it was shit so I deleted it. But then I read over it again, and decided it was good enough.

Oh and thanks of course!
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Old 05-31-2014, 03:25 AM   #6
culex-knight
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Consider this without the structure you've laid out. Consider it again with it.

Imo, your idea can be amorphous, but it doesn't feel like you know quite what you want to write about, or that you don't even know that. This piece feels kind of... lost? That's what I get from it, anyway.
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Old 06-05-2014, 04:27 PM   #7
brokencoastline
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Inherent in the form of this is a reading experience that's fairly disjointed. It's related through dreams (and potentially some memory of reality, which becomes similarly fractured and distorted with time). It's easy to read despite that, though I wonder about some phrasings like "utter subconsciousness" and "the dream expanded on". It seems like some words could be omitted.

"Each sequence would leave me with a different feeling of following" implies some impending structure however. To me it indicates that those different feelings are going to be related in succession and that we'll ultimately understand more of the captivation and humor (or lack thereof) through them. As it is, you only relate one, the instance of following her through the woods.

It seems like there's a lot of emotional response to experiences (real or imagined) but little actual experiential relation in the piece. I think this would benefit from being expanded with more concrete (as much so as you can given the disjointed, dream-like style) events or images. The piece jumps from idea to idea quickly, but the more of them it passes over, the greater a sense of things you'll convey.
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Old 06-07-2014, 09:06 AM   #8
Eccer
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I agree, this could really use some imagery. But as it is, it's hard to remember what exactly happened in my dream lol. I wrote this in an entire go(like a story), but decided to disjoint it afterwards, I wanted to cut much of it also, but I felt the words was honest enough to be there though some of them could be omitted yes. More perspective humour could have done this well too, as it is only funny for me...tbh I don't remember everything that made this feeling what it is.... you could consider this a lucid journal in poetry form. This piece feels half finished like culex said, not necessarily lost. But it lacks elaboration in some parts which could really use it... might revisit this somewhere in the future.

End note, this piece was difficult to do. And I take your criticism to full value, thanks!
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