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Old 04-30-2012, 08:50 AM   #1
LesThanPaul
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Nature

Thereís a spot out near the ocean;
Far enough from the houses to seem secluded,
But not far enough that itís an inconvenience to go.

I go out there often;
Sometimes to read or play guitar,
but other times just to sit and think
and listen to the waves break against the cliffs
or admire the swirling colors of the rocks.

And many other people come out as well,
But they never stay long.
They stand for five minutes, maybe snap a picture or two
And then they move on.

And I often wonder, why doesnít anyone ever stay?
Why donít they listen to the waves break against the cliffs
Or admire the swirling colors of the rocks
Or just take more than just five damn minutes to admire something beautiful?

But as I sit and think, I realize that I donít really care;
Their importances donít match mine, and they usually donít.
And I turn around facing the breeze and look out into the ocean.
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:59 AM   #2
Oseck
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its really good although add some corrections.
instead of "sometimes to read or play guitar", "sometimes to sing or play guitar".
i wouldnt use the word "damn", but rather "****in"
but otherwise it is very good
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Old 04-30-2012, 09:49 PM   #3
LesThanPaul
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When I wrote this I just sat down, and this poured out, all in one sitting in about 5 minutes. When I was looking back over it, I was actually considering changing 'damn' to 'f***ing' just because the latter usually carries more weight/abrasiveness, but I ended up sticking with what I wrote originally. I think it sort of adds to the indifference you see towards the end.

Can I ask why you would substitute read for sing? It is another thing I considered looking over it, but again I decided to leave what I had originally.

Thank you for your input, much appreciated.
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Old 05-01-2012, 11:02 AM   #4
BoyLilikoi
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Idk man, not to be a dick or anything but this came off as quite pretentious to me. The whole "their importances don't match mine and they usually don't" part just seems snooty. Surely there is a better way to articulate the feeling of people being too busy in their day to day activities to stop and take in something magnificent...unless of course you meant this to seem kinda pompous.

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Old 05-01-2012, 11:08 AM   #5
jod23
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'And many other people come out as well,
But they never stay long.
They stand for five minutes, maybe snap a picture or two
And then they move on.'

i guess some people are to busy in their vacation. they probably need spend time an appreciate the beauty at that exact moment. but when they take pictures, over time, they would have a sense of happiness when looking at the picture. i like to sieze the moment an snap some pictures thus keeping a journal of the places i visit.

Last edited by jod23 : 05-01-2012 at 11:09 AM.
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Old 05-02-2012, 10:00 AM   #6
LesThanPaul
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@Boylikikoi: The end is supposed to lead to a sort of bitter indifference. That line you quoted is just supposed to mean what I think is important is different from others. I'm not trying to say that that makes me more right, because it doesn't. I can definitely see how you came to the conclusion of it sounding snooty though and will take that into consideration

@jod23: I understand the value of pictures and the fact that on vacation you don't always have a lot of time. I rarely see anyone out there who isn't a tourist. This whole thing is more directed at the people who permanently live nearby, where it wouldn't even take them 2 minutes to walk there. But my shift towards that target probably wasn't very clear.

Thanks to both of you for your replies. I'll look through your profiles in the next couple days to see if there's a piece I can look over.
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