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Old 01-01-2013, 11:05 AM   #1
Saparasa
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Crosses not working? Try a Torah

Hi guys! I've had an urge to write lyrics for a while now and have been attempting bits of crappy poetry, but never really liking it. But last night i woke up at half 4 and had a tune and an idea stuck in my head, so i went ahead and had a go. Neither took me too long to write, about 3 hours max for both so they may be a little crap

This is called "Crosses not working? Try a Torah." and it's based on the book of I Am Legend. It's intended to be mostly screamed. Please give honest criticism.

Staring at the barren wasteland
Just how much can one man stand?
They sleep by day, hunt by night
Waiting and wishing for the light
He knows not why, he continues
For he knows that he wil lose
Living now, it's just a habit
A heroes death just seems to fit

Living through this silence
Only for it to be broken
Will his mind erode?
No, he will uphold!
This pointless endurance

Loved ones lost just to come back
Body and mind, they all attack
Praying on thoughts so fragile
Whisky wil help for a while
Only so much, one man can fight
The whole world, that's just not right
How can he be the only one
A man so lonely lives forlorn

Living through this silence
Only for it to be broken
Will his mind erode?
No, he will uphold!
This blighted existence

Company is all he asks
Do not hide behind a mask
Trust, an old commodity
You're all he has in this city
Memories are all in the past
Love develops so very fast
Happinnes is truly dead
Says the impact to his head

Living through this silence
Only for it to be broken
Will his mind erode?
No, he will uphold
His legend lives on

His legend will live on!
It's come full circle
What he feared, now holds him here
Men murdered through terror
Asking him this?
Who is the monster now?
When we all just kill to live.

This one is called Harmless and it's sort of based on a guy I used to know.

What a pretty girl,
What a pretty girl you are!
What a shame it'd be,
What a shame would it be
What a shame it'd be
If somethin did happen to ye!

Swing back and forth without a care
Please may i just touch your hair?
It wont hurt, please, i do swear!
A girl like you is oh so rare!

Pretty naked girl,
Pretty naked girl dont tease,
What i'll do to you,
What will i do to you?
What i'll do to you
It actually scares me too!

Cower back further, i do dare
Lets just hope this doesnt tare
Oh your skin is oh so fair
This will get too much too bare

Bloody screaming girl,
Bloody screaming girl don't run!
Brought this on yourself,
You know you brought this on yourself?
Brought this on yourself!
Should not have just let me delve!

What have i done all this for?
Movement stopped now you do bore
Why care when youre just a *****?
This has just left me wanting more.

Last edited by Saparasa : 01-01-2013 at 07:46 PM.
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Old 01-01-2013, 01:25 PM   #2
DeluZionZz
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hmm, inbox me and i can help you out with this buddy, so far the lyrics arent off to a bad start, but there is more to it than lyrics and a tune

Its good you though about poetry though, that is the key to songwriting; inbox me when you can buddy
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Old 01-02-2013, 09:54 AM   #3
Eccer
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Your poems is not bad, but it needs to be considered and weighed upon. Less repetiveness, less grammatical errors. I definitely enjoyed the first one most. You have potential, stick to it and don't be hasty
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Old 01-02-2013, 01:57 PM   #4
Audiolife
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The rhymes in "Harmless" just seem forced to me. That is a common when all four lines in a stanza use the same rhyme. Mix it up a bit by using a rhyme structure other than (AAAA), try (ABAC), (ABCA), etc. It will not only make your pieces less repetitive but also open you up creatively to hone the subject if your not fighting to rhyme.

The first ones is a little better as it at least has an (AABBCCDD) rhyme structure, but again, not every line needs to rhyme with another, especially during the "verse". Constant rhyming subtracts from the impact of a single rhyme at any point in the verse. I would say experiment with internal rhymes or try making the refrain, "living through the silence", contain the rhymes, as that is where the reader will return to most and it would be fitting that a clever hook lay in there.

There IS a style of poetry that encourages constant rhymes, so if you were going for that style then my only crit would be to work on spelling and grammar.
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Old 01-02-2013, 05:21 PM   #5
Saparasa
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Thanks a lot for the responses and criticisms, it's really appreciated. Haha yeh, looking through it now there are some silly spelling/grammar mistakes, i typed it out pretty quickly. I guess i'll do some research into poetry and lyric writing as i have no experience with this. Again thanks for replying, i'm kinda glad i haven't started out as utter crap.
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