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Old 11-19-2012, 09:05 AM   #1
NGD1313
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the shakes

i get the shakes
when you dot the t's and cross your eyes
you know it keeps me awake at night
like a block of faulty fluorescent lights
blinking at me like you used to be
but never really getting it right
and my love's so weak and damaging
so entirely aimless
that all five feet of your fragile machinery
could not have hoped to contain it
and didn't.

red ears and beer shoes
what's another year or two
trading me for you?
that's nothing for nothing
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Old 11-27-2012, 12:49 AM   #2
Milo.
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My favorite in this is "like a block of faulty flourescent lights". That's fantastic. Loving the smoothness of the words.

It almost felt like something Elliott would've written.

(dot the t's and cross your eyes was just the right amount of cutesy)
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Old 11-28-2012, 09:39 AM   #3
The Hurt Within
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I'm a fan of small ditty pieces and I'm not. On the one side they lack the character and substance of a longer piece, for the most part, and on the other they're a little sound bite that encapsulates a single moment.

With this it's the former. I didn't like the blinking line, that after the line before makes it seem empty, I get what you're saying but it doesn't follow it strongly enough, it's one thing to have a great stand out line, but part of the reason for that line being successful is where you go after it.

I'm not a fan of the 4 line stanza either, to me that stanza says what the rest of the piece should have done, as though you wrote the first part and thought, I didn't manage to say what I wanted, so lets add this bit to make it clear what I meant and undermine everything before it. It needs to be integrated into the piece itself not stuck out on its own. Not to be harsh, but if you couldn't say what you do in the last stanza in the main body then the piece didn't work.

I'd also be inclined to combine this with a few other similar pieces, if you have them, I'm sure you're writing enough based on the meaning I get from this. With a longer piece you'd get more substance, character and really drive home the tone you're trying to achieve. While this works, I'm sorry to say its easily forgotten, by the time I start to feel for the character it's over and I don't care anymore. I'll stop there cause I think I've got my point across. It's not a poor piece by any means, but it lacks the depth that would be achieved with length.

Hope that wasn't too harsh.

peACE
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:22 AM   #4
Arthur Curry
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finish this
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Old 11-29-2012, 06:07 AM   #5
NGD1313
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^one day i will.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Hurt Within
I'm a fan of small ditty pieces and I'm not. On the one side they lack the character and substance of a longer piece, for the most part, and on the other they're a little sound bite that encapsulates a single moment.

With this it's the former. I didn't like the blinking line, that after the line before makes it seem empty, I get what you're saying but it doesn't follow it strongly enough, it's one thing to have a great stand out line, but part of the reason for that line being successful is where you go after it.

I'm not a fan of the 4 line stanza either, to me that stanza says what the rest of the piece should have done, as though you wrote the first part and thought, I didn't manage to say what I wanted, so lets add this bit to make it clear what I meant and undermine everything before it. It needs to be integrated into the piece itself not stuck out on its own. Not to be harsh, but if you couldn't say what you do in the last stanza in the main body then the piece didn't work.

I'd also be inclined to combine this with a few other similar pieces, if you have them, I'm sure you're writing enough based on the meaning I get from this. With a longer piece you'd get more substance, character and really drive home the tone you're trying to achieve. While this works, I'm sorry to say its easily forgotten, by the time I start to feel for the character it's over and I don't care anymore. I'll stop there cause I think I've got my point across. It's not a poor piece by any means, but it lacks the depth that would be achieved with length.

Hope that wasn't too harsh.

peACE



not at all too harsh Steve. i couldn't be more grateful. that last stanza is the point and the first bit was meant to earn what's more plainly stated in the second but i agree it doesn't really do it well. possible edits soon. thank you again and man it's great to see you around here again. hope you're well.

Milo: you're too kind. thanks for the words.
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Old 11-30-2012, 07:59 AM   #6
The Hurt Within
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I'm good dude. It's just nice to see at least some of the regular faces around still. I hope you do finish this one, its worth it. Oh and if you get the chance I'd appreciate a comment on mine if you get the time.

peACE
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:23 PM   #7
vintage x metal
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idk. I think you could cut this into something even smaller. some of this makes me stop and some of it I have to push through; I think I'd rather just stop. there are some very beautiful pains in this that glitter all to well, but the showmanship doesn't hold when I know you're thinking too much about what to say. 'all five feet of your fragile machinery' is perfect.
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