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Old 03-06-2013, 01:45 PM   #1
JustRooster
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Location: Madison, Wisconsin
Determined Not to Learn My Lesson

I stand on the ocean-bed's dirt and silty altar,
overcome by the shadow of the wave building taller,
ignoring vile threats of the demise that it will offer,
watch my reflection grow in the oncoming water.

The tsunami knows that we alike are a talker,
Rich to convince, but to commit still a pauper,
It's found my little black book that I myself did author,
Used too often to lead the lambs to the slaughter.

That's when they found me out.

So now I'm shackled here.

Awaiting the wave.











Given my godly offers I turn my face back from northward.





With bare chest and nails I bare my teeth to this horror.





The feeble sympathies ask how I will deal with this torture.





With bloody gums smiling, when the wave comes...


"I'll lean forward."
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Last edited by JustRooster : 03-06-2013 at 01:47 PM.
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Old 03-06-2013, 02:51 PM   #2
Invicto91
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I like it. I think it has a good dark feel with a strong sense of defiance laced within.
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Old 03-08-2013, 02:25 AM   #3
JustRooster
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Thanks! It's good to hear exactly that exactly what you were going for is what was taken away.
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Old 03-10-2013, 05:55 PM   #4
#1 synth
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That's when they found me out.

So now I'm shackled here.

Awaiting the wave.


(why on earth did you put these three expository lines here. it is so much stronger without them. give your audience some credit, yeah?)

nice control of meter and rhyme. have some problems with the punctuation, especially the ellipses in the penultimate line. solid work overall though
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