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Old 12-20-2012, 12:42 AM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Wisconsin
No. 1

I don't know where I've been

|If I can keep my heart/I can keep my head|

(...and fend of all their legions...

...for neither rhyme nor reason...)

I don't believe that this is really happening
and it's sad to say but it seems I've lost the plot again.

there's the human I was born,
and the person I became.
I was calm before the storm,
now I'm angry in the rain.

and it's sad/to/say but it seems/I've/lost/the/plot again

It's all in my mind,
but I keep in time,
or at least, I try,
I haven't been alive in such a great while.
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Old 12-20-2012, 01:15 AM   #2
crazysam23_Atax's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2009
I really like that. It's piece that I can relate to a bit (not because I'm ever pessimistic for very long, but because we all feel like shit sometimes).

Originally Posted by zero27
there's the human I was born,
and the person I became.

The only change I would suggest is to maybe change "human" to "person". It's sort of a disconnect in the reader/listener's mind. If you're purposely going for said disconnect, cool. But yeah, I'd change it; it'd make it flow smoother.

See how it feels to you.
there's the person I was born, and the person I became.

Crit mine? (Oh, do me a favor and please read the other posts in the thread quick.)
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