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Old 08-11-2013, 11:31 AM   #1
21wickwing
wick2107
 
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Collecting Slaves

Swirling through
the viscous swarm
of saliva and blood,
my mind races
down the depths
of deepest derangement.
(...purest prudence)

As law hunts
me into the wilderness
of my maniacal mind,
I continue collecting
souls as slaves
for my glorified after life.

Syllabic control
defines the haikus I write
but sometimes they do... not.

I abide by a strict code.
Young woman,
soft and nude.
Knives are responsible
for the end..
or
beginning
of their
innocence

Sometimes,
when I lose control,
I use a gun.
But they are no longer my slaves.

Last edited by 21wickwing : 08-11-2013 at 12:45 PM.
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Old 08-11-2013, 12:39 PM   #2
heartbreakhotel
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Zodiac...
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Old 08-11-2013, 12:42 PM   #3
21wickwing
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbreakhotel
Zodiac...


Definitely inspired by Zodiac... except the strict code part (kinda my spin on the Zodiac I suppose)
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Old 08-12-2013, 08:57 PM   #4
jiminizzle
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i like this. i think it might lack a bit of presence, that is to say the images are not totally there but sort of suggested in a way that might be asking a bit too much from the reader and might ultimately be distancing for her. the haiku stanza was a little out of place as far as thematic tone goes. A little underwhelming there, but overall you did a nice job with this.
Maybe try some little things to make the voice more interesting--"the wilderness
of my maniacal mind" construction is a little vulnerable. it's almost too aware to be maniacal and i'm left disbelieving your speaker. Alternatively, this seems to tend towards a sort of "manifesto of volition" or something like that so you could try to be even more cold, and maybe even more specific.
i look forward to reading more from you.
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Old 08-13-2013, 02:25 PM   #5
vintage x metal
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Swirling through
the viscous swarm
of saliva and blood,
my mind races
down the depths
of deepest derangement.
(...purest prudence)

"Swarm" is weird here. Viscous swarm? Maybe sludge? Maybe stream? I know it's tempting to do 'swarm' with 'swirling' but 'swirling' acts where 'swarm' does not need to. I like 'sludge' because it still connects with 'blood' in the following line. Try not to follow 'depths' with 'deepest' - it's repetitive. Perhaps 'darkest' instead, or, as an alternative to 'depths', 'wells' or 'cracks'. 'Depths' doesn't have much texture to it, so it doesn't draw the reader to imagine the motions of the phrase with as much focus as you may have intended.

As law hunts
me into the wilderness
of my maniacal mind,
I continue collecting
souls as slaves
for my glorified after life.

This stanza can be spruced up pretty easily. Talk about the 'wilderness of my maniacal mind'. Talk about your 'collecting'. It's as simple as an extra line wedged in saying something like 'fingerlike branches reaching out' to describe the wilderness or 'put away carefully into separate boxes' to describe the collected souls.

Syllabic control
defines the haikus I write
but sometimes they do... not.

This is a nice poem on its own. It's a little awkward here but I think with a little more detail to build up to it, it could still act nicely.

I abide by a strict code.
Young woman,
soft and nude.
Knives are responsible
for the end..
or
beginning
of their
innocence

I know I just sound repetitive now but again, details. Just a line. It doesn't have to be an explanation, but just some more meat for the metaphor to feed on. Show me a flash of the knife in a scene.

Sometimes,
when I lose control,
I use a gun.
But they are no longer my slaves.

'When I lose control' is weak. Don't bother telling me you lost control. Just show me, and I'll get it. It's hard for the reader to relate when you simply state the contents of what is happening rather than making them live it.



Nice read, hope this was helpful. If you ever have a piece that's lacking crits and you think it will help, you can always message me. I may not be prompt but I enjoy watching people develop themselves.
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Old 08-13-2013, 04:18 PM   #6
21wickwing
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Very helpful critiques! I love it! Thanks guys! It is helpful to hear the thought process of great poets from the forum when applied to my own work.
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Old 08-15-2013, 04:19 AM   #7
doubtfulsalmon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 21wickwing
Swirling through
the viscous swarm
of saliva and blood,
my mind races
down the depths
of deepest derangement.
(...purest prudence)

great start. i actually like the use of swarm here, it feels very chaotic.

As law hunts
me into the wilderness
of my maniacal mind,
I continue collecting
souls as slaves
for my glorified after life.

i feel like the imagery tails off towards the end of this stanza, up to "maniacal mind" is really detailed, but the second half feels a bit more bare. vintage x metal gives good advice on what to do.

Syllabic control
defines the haikus I write
but sometimes they do... not.

this stanza is one of my favorite things i've read from you. awesome.

I abide by a strict code.
Young woman,
soft and nude.
Knives are responsible
for the end..
or
beginning
of their
innocence

should that possibly be "women" (or "her" instead of "their")?
this stanza is rather minimalist and feels quite clean, which is an effective technique, but i don't think it suits the rest of it. i'd suggest expanding on "soft and nude" with specific description, like focusing on one part of the body which you could maybe link in some metaphor with the "knives" bit. i also thing the use of "innocence" is a bit cliche, and it could do with further expansion/linking in with previous description.

Sometimes,
when I lose control,
I use a gun.
But they are no longer my slaves.

i enjoyed this, and i kind of appreciate the more stripped back style i think you were going for, so feel free to ignore everything i've said haha.
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Old 08-23-2013, 09:00 AM   #8
mack137
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nice lyrics
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