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Old 01-02-2013, 04:58 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2011

there's this place i like to sit
and sometimes i write here,
to pass the time like shit
(or vomit
that morning last year).

i'm not held to this excess
or distress.
this is pissing salt tears,
and i no longer get pleasure
with your tongue on his
in the first hour of this
arbitrary year.
His teeth dissolved as you got

i stand outside, shiver,
and pass words like water.

Last edited by doubtfulsalmon : 01-02-2013 at 05:08 PM.
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Old 01-02-2013, 07:50 PM   #2
the telecaster
fenderdude06's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: New York
not sure why you formatted it this way, that's the only thing I don't like about this.

so a girl ended a relationship and wound up with another guy... that always sucks.

I like how you don't wallow in your own sorrow, but it's still a cynical, pessimistic piece. You can tell that this situation has made your soul stronger (or harder). The new year's kiss reference is pretty money.

nice job! I'd appreciate it if you could check mine out and maybe offer advice.

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Old 01-03-2013, 01:14 PM   #3
Join Date: Jan 2011
thanks for taking a look

the formatting was mainly because i felt it needed more separation than a line break alone, but maybe it detracts too much from the whole piece, i'll have a think about it.
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Old 01-03-2013, 08:40 PM   #4
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Join Date: Aug 2012
I like how you say so much in such few words. I'm assuming the words inside the ( ) are backing vocals? I've had similar life experiences, and they really do suck. I have a song that can be interpreted in the same way.
"Betrayal is a bitch, but so is Karma, and your time is coming."
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