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Old 08-04-2009, 05:57 AM   #41
LordPino
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Practise taking dumps in the forest.
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Old 08-06-2009, 05:05 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by LordPino
Practise taking dumps in the forest.


i took a dump on my schools roof... does that count?
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Old 08-06-2009, 11:49 PM   #43
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Well obviously you need high dexterity, balance, and be quite flexible.

You will definitely need something for support for the first few months. We don't want you to be stuck permanently in a limp crab position.

We will call this your Primary Posture.

Start by tieing a rope to a ceiling light, ceiling fan, or any object mounted to the ceiling. And for some odd reason i feel i need to tell you, if you choose to use a ceiling fan, make sure it is turned off.

Tie the other end of the rope to your torso. keep the rope taunt for the first 2 weeks. You should be standing with your feet about 6 inches past your shoulders. You can start with a more "narrow" stance if needed. Toes should be pointing outwards for balance.
Then gradually add slack to the rope, GRADUALLY......don't make the same mistake as many others and think your ready to go without a security line. Should take no longer than a few months, or when your pant legs pull up to about half cafe muscle.

Now the tricky part and this is the part where so many young crab wannabe walkers learn bad technique. You must learn to keep your head in a position that still allows you to see both left and right directions and forward. But no higher than eye heigth with Gay Colman. Any higher than that and you will be called an elitist. Them and all there genre categories. You will be tempted, but you seem to have an aura about you that will keep you on track, you could even be the one from the fore told prophecy of the "Limbo Buddha Crabcore Genius" But that is to be talked about later in your training.

Ok, back on track. You should use a bungee chord(even a neck tie could be used, but it may restrict your crab bouncing) and tie it around your forehead and tie the other end around your genitals. The length of the bungee will depend on your heigth and genital length.

Again, slowly adding slack to the the bungee over the course of atleast 2 months should put you at beginner level. This can be done also while you are practicing the "primary posture" part of your training. Only recommended for people with a high concentration level and a high tolerance to pain.

Wearing a diaper for the first few months is something to consider. They are bulky but are much more reliable then a pair of underwear. Collen strength will increase over time. Quite similar to getting calluses on your finger tips.

Now you should be ready to hold a guitar while you do this maneuver. Don't attempt to impress your friends or the ladies yet. Just play something simply like, "twinkle twinkle little star" or maybe even something a little more advanced like "yankee doodle". You still have to learn wrist technique for both hands, and relearn how to grip the pick. Also your guitar strap should be in its highest position in the beginning of training. About chest heigth. I know what your saying, everyone will laugh at you if you wear your guitar like this, but you must be above the insults to get the results a dedicated "crabcore" guitarist is searching for. You need to slowly lower it down over a long length of time. The Guitar Head should hold its position about 5 inches higher than the top of the body. Once the bottom of the guitar body rests in the dirt, but still being supported by you, you have lowered it to its finally position.

Gripping the pick in this new manner may feel uncomfortable for the first few days but you will get used to it. To find the appropriate grip, get in your "primary position(no guitar) and draw a square, triangle, then a circle in the dirt. After completing the circle the pick should now be resting in your hand in an ideal position. Remember this position. Maybe take a picture of yourself after completing the circle so you will always have it to refer to.

Now you have found the ideal grip for holding your pick you are ready to play more advance music, e.g. the intro to the "Flintstones","Magiver", or even the theme to "Quantam Leap" .
Which all can be found here on UG with beginner videos hosted by "Freepower" and many of our other knowledgeably moderators.
These simple to advanced songs will allow you to tune in your picking technique. Remember to use an alternating picking pattern. Don't let your picking dictate your bouncing rhythm. And please practice your muting on your upstrokes.

Now for your left hand(fretting hand, just incase you play switch/goofyfoot, be sure to tell us, it calls for a completely different approach).

You will have to over come some unnatural discomfort in this position due to the angle your wrist is force into, also known as "goosing the neck, "Upside down fairy wave", and the more commonly known, "The constipated Devil horns grip".
To practice this position with out injury, and without learning bad technique, take your left hand, make the" constipated devil horns grip".
Now reach around to your rear and insert your first finger. (some people claim it is better the come from the front inbetween your legs then insert. But i have heard of many people also saying the chances of Anal Sphincter Lock, "A.S.L.", can be more common and painful.)
Hold position until fatigue sets in. Rest for a few minutes and reinsert. After you can do this for 3 minutes in sets of 10 move on to your pinky. The other two fingers wont be necessary for this exercise. For they should never be extended in the devil horns grip. You will most likely never play anything other than a power cord.

A.S.L. episodes may last up to 5 minutes or 5 days during the first few weeks of training. The episodes should lessen over time. If you experience an episode lasting over 5 days (Hyper Retentive Reverse Suction Sphincter Displacement, H.R.R.S.S.D for short.) contact a bulldozer operator, or any other heavy equipment specialist for immediate excavation of the lodged finger. Learning to meditate will help with the relaxation during the excavation process.

I know many others may argue my methods and techniques, but they have proven to be successful to many guitarist, keyboardist, and banjoist. If you choose to incorporate your own methods on this venture be sure to research and question weather or not if its safe.

Their are many individuals here on this site that will always be helpful and serious with your questions. And there will be those who will insult and belittle you. Just ignore them and listen to the regulars.

To advance further into "god like crabcore walking" i suggest you find a teacher. Be sure to ask your potential teachers many question. Make sure they will teach you the techniques that apply to what you want to learn. Many teachers will teach bad technique and not realize they could be slowing down your learning and causing more harm than good. Remember, you are paying them. Invest your money wisely.

Good luck, and remember. Its not going to happen over night. It takes time, just like anything else. Like learning to be a ventriloquist or an Elvis impersonator. Just set your goals and stay focused.


References:
*The Crabcore Society of "Swimming is for stupid lobster".
*Long Hair and Tight Jeans magazine.
*People Magazine
*My main man Kent Dumplings for being awesome and bringing me into the world of "crabcore". He is a fountain of information on this genre.
*"We be Crabin and Grabin" editor Moe "Dawg" Jenkins.
*"Ass rubbin the Dirt" magazine for there article"You be Gab'n, but we just Crab'n" page 142 by Brian Crustaceans

special thanks too:
*Gravity. Without gravity we couldn't squat. And that means no Crabcoring it up, just pulling our knees up to our chest.

*Evolution. If those little critters didn't make that leap to come ashore then the average non scuba diving Human may not of learned of the awesome potential to be had with naming a genre after a Crab..... Hey a jelly fish. I see potential.

*To our ancestors who learned to harness fire, then boil water. Cause the only thing better than Crabcoring, is Crab munching. Butter please.

*My gun and that one bullet i saved for myself after dedicating so much time to something i know nothing about and probably insulting many people, such as the T.S. and others.

*Anyone who was bored enough to read my "its late, im bored, and wow Freepower stickied this so it must be okay to have a little fun with it,....um right???" post.

*Anyone who can look past the universe of bad grammar and run on sentences and over use of punctuation and under use of punctuation and.......oh, sorry about that.

Final thoughts:
A wise man once said something that i listened to.....but i didn't pay attention. I believe it went something like this.

Crabs have claws .Crabs have shells
Crabs have baby crabs.
Crabs don't have guitars.

Yeah, i know. Deep. Think about it.

P.S.
T.S.. I hope this information is helpful, hell you might already know all this. Most of it is common knowledge to most of us and we are more than happy to share.

Last edited by epic7734 : 08-07-2009 at 03:45 AM.
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Old 08-07-2009, 02:51 AM   #44
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You want exercises for it
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Old 08-07-2009, 03:39 AM   #45
Martin Messner
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Id say if you want exercises: visit www.google.com or the lesson section on UG...

I dont really know where the problem is :/ guys, just exercises... XD
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:57 AM   #46
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epic7734 is god.
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:25 AM   #47
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Can't wait to go home and practise my crab walk technique.
But first, I need to get me a V Neck T-Shirt and some skinny jeans.

Watch out world, here I crab!
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Old 08-07-2009, 10:31 AM   #48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by epic7734
*Wall*

Holy ****. I was wondering why this thread wasnt closed yet and then you come up and post something that is actually serious
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Old 08-07-2009, 03:14 PM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by you = fail
Holy ****. I was wondering why this thread wasnt closed yet and then you come up and post something that is actually serious


Im thinking you didn't read past the first sentence....lol.
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Old 08-09-2009, 09:47 AM   #50
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Wall of text = win
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Old 08-09-2009, 11:31 AM   #51
Royal_Brick
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It's more than thinking like a crab... you have to BE the crab.
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Old 08-09-2009, 05:19 PM   #52
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I Am The Crab!
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Old 08-09-2009, 07:57 PM   #53
HoffManCometh
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What about lobsters?
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Old 08-10-2009, 12:40 AM   #54
Royal_Brick
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lordneezi
I Am The Crab!

That's the spirit!
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Old 08-10-2009, 10:40 AM   #55
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I love the different responses to this. Best abuse of my power for quite some time.
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