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Old 04-27-2013, 08:08 AM   #1
StreetBass252
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Nuremberg, Germany
It Hurts (Being Replaced)

This is another Metalcore song i wrote. This one got better than my last one in my Opinion. Anyways, tell me what you think, critics are welcome. I read your Stuff as well if you tell me to

we used to fight, side by side
to many times i saved your life
and now, where i would need you most
you stab your knife into my back

you complained about your own mistakes
and now you betray me for her sake

used to call you my best friend
but now everything has changed
the rapture had an end
and now i'm craving for revenge

it hurts being replaced
it hurts being betrayed
it hurts being replaced
it hurts being betrayed

there's no excuse for your betrayal
there's no excuse for your betrayal

i hope you dont crawl back to me
when everybody else has left you
someday you will realize
that your betrayal was a big mistake
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Old 04-28-2013, 12:19 AM   #2
ItchyCrotch233
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Nothing special.
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Old 04-28-2013, 03:13 PM   #3
StreetBass252
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Location: Nuremberg, Germany
I guess you're right xD In my imagination, it is a pretty intensive song, but without the Instruments it's hard to carry that feeling..
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Old 04-28-2013, 04:11 PM   #4
Green_Ghoul
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Michigan
Some of the rhymes felt a bit forced to me (most notably mistakes and sake), I do this a lot too and I've been trying to get myself out of that habit. Also, to me it reads as if you're telling rather than showing. A good poem/lyric will show the reader instead of tell them, it leaves more room for interpretation and doesn't make it concrete. I sometimes have that problem too.

Hope this helped!

Could you give mine a look?
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1598782

Thanks
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