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Old 05-15-2014, 12:10 PM   #1
vintage x metal
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Join Date: Sep 2006
a nervous system

what keep tension
in tension
and not
thrown into

in my fantasies,
we move hand in
hand until our

if I can kiss you (mm..)
I will -

as for now, I will
stay still

hold you close
in our goodbyes
and steal your eyes
for our hellos
- talk for quite a while inside
and hope you laugh
at all my jokes,

and this goes on
and on
until I'm haunted by your ghost
(a ghost
of saliva&
beaded skin,
with all the same
(a ghost that follows your 'Good nights'
with the murmur of 'Hello')





Last edited by vintage x metal : 05-15-2014 at 03:14 PM.
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Old 05-15-2014, 05:43 PM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: USA
vintage, I love how you organize your poems so effectively. The structure of your verses really paces this well and adds to the quirky nature of the poem. Also the recurring usage of "hello" was a very nice touch and gave a whole new meaning to the word at the end. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 05-20-2014, 11:19 AM   #3
vintage x metal
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glad you enjoyed, thank you for the crit
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Old 05-20-2014, 11:46 AM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2006
i would remove the second ? at the end of the first stanza. this is just my personal preference, as i cannot dissociate it from text-speak (so to say).

otherwise, very solid work. sorry i dont have more to say critically, it opens and closes well and in between is carries itself gracefully. thanks for the read.
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Old 05-22-2014, 04:10 AM   #5
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I like how it's constructed, but otherwise I don't feel this as much, but you got yourself something personal here, obviously. I feel like shit for not commenting more around here. But know that I read everything that's coming through here :-)
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