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Old 10-02-2012, 08:29 AM   #1
narners
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"Purgatory"

Please rip in because this is my first effort in about 4 years so I am expecting it to be below par... Advice would be fantasic. Thank you in advance

You can call it funny
You can, call it what you like, but you
Stirred something up in me,
That hasnít had much life lately

And I canít tell you, all the ways that I have tried
To hide my pride,
But you found a way to break me down
And find out what's inside

Chorus
Is this life or is this death
Or is this purgatory purgatory
I donít know what you said
But itís f*cking me f*cking me right up

Is this love or is this hate
I just donít know what to say
Youíre the devil my head
Or is this purgatory purgatory


The flashing lights,
The calm before the storm vie left behind,
But your words send me into spirals

You make me want to stray,
Take my tie off, throw my suit away,
Youíre driving me insane,
With your youthful self indulgent ways

Is this life or is this death
Or is this purgatory purgatory
I donít know what you said
But itís ****ing me ****ing me right up

Is this love or is this hate
I just donít know what to say
Youíre the devil my head
Or is this purgatory purgatory
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Old 10-02-2012, 10:30 AM   #2
nafireball
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Sounds very punk to me, at least judging by the lyrics. Some things clash a bit though. Punk is supposed to be about freedom and youthful spirit, but saying "youthful" makes you sound condescending. "Foolish" perhaps? Some lines don't rhyme, either. Try keeping a constant rhyme scheme, even if it changes for the verses, chorus, and bridge. EG, when I write, I give the verses one rhyme scheme, give the bridges another, and the choruses another one.

Also, syllables. Some lines have way more syllables than others in the same verse. That's a pretty big issue, all things considered.

Lastly, if you weren't aiming for a punkish feeling, try expressing the same ideas presented in the song but without using first or second person pronouns. It reduces the feeling of whininess associated with punk/pop/emo, genres which most often use "I" or "you".

Try reading James Scott's articles on lyric writing if you haven't yet.

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/colu...might_suck.html

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/colu...t_anything.html
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Old 10-05-2012, 02:16 PM   #3
treborillusion
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I like the first verse.
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look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
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Old 10-22-2012, 10:00 PM   #4
jazar94
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Just an add-on to the comment above, if you're going to use a rhyme scheme, it's okay to use slant rhyme in it.
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