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Old 01-02-2013, 12:29 AM   #1
treborillusion
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: The London Borough of Croydon, GB
Haze

Born colored
In a world that
Segregates you
Jump for
Your country
Man in the service
Nothing's perfect
Stayin'
In England
So young
Taken
To Britain
War in Viet Nam
At home
They say
You're not Black
Well,
Who wants to hear
About that
They say
He's a freak
He speaks out
Against the war
Patriotically
But at last
You've got a place
All of your own now in
New York City
Rest in peace Jimi
You're up there
Watching down
Over us
On Earth at home in
Seattle now
They took you home
They took you home
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Quote:
Originally Posted by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
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Old 01-03-2013, 02:53 PM   #2
ali.guitarkid7
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: punk ass white boy
Practice honesty. As a start, write only about what you know. I see a lot of these 'sociopathic' pieces that only apply certain emotions because that's what they believe they should have instead of what they do have--and it shows, clear as day. You're not acting, or writing from a character's perspective, it's you on the page, and if you're not really there then I'm not going to be either. Find something that propels you about Jimi Hendrix, not just a sad piece about his death (how many of those do you think I'll find on blogs with a Google search, if not something written by someone who knew him and had been writing for years?).

That's just one reason why this didn't work for me. Keep working on it, man.
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Originally Posted by sickman411
We're all the best except for Ali.

look at you scared now hoe
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Old 01-06-2013, 10:32 PM   #3
treborillusion
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Location: The London Borough of Croydon, GB
Well this is more
'To'
Jimi
A young man who seemed to change the world culturally, like Van Gogh, but being blinded by life, he was stuck writing it and living it and, even though it was his trip, his whole life must have been a hard working uphill struggle, and for a man who served his country, to be so poetic and whatever, is just cool too.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by laid-to-waste
look nigga, if you're chillin with 5 bros and 2 hos, you're gonna wanna pay attention to all of em equally. not moon over the hos forever and laugh at every shitty thing they say and just stare at them all night, like some of my mates do.
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