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Old 12-18-2012, 09:42 PM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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She brought a shovel to the back garden of the reception,
walking on stilettos as if she had a back-up weapon.
Her iris was melting – blue lava dripping across her cheeks
and I didn’t have the urge on my lips to kiss it away.

She told me how she spent a year cramming her chest with past
and brought a crate that she kept filling with memories elapsed.
I asked where it was. She said she’d kept it in her car,
before piercing the shovel on the grass to hold out my hand.

The back seat smelled of musty cloth and dead tissues
and the windshield wiper was on to clean off her issues,
as it grumbled across the glass, keeping my gulp dry and
my sight focused on sunlight through the stillness of leaves.

She kept dragging the crate, leaving a trail of rooted herbs
and digressing about how regrets were consuming her,
but she’d be better off if she learned to contort her bones
to fit inside that chest, so I could put it in my garret.




[ P.S. I want to get to Little Man, Alec, but I haven't got the time nor the mindset to actually sit and think a crit through, but I promise I'll get to it soon! ]

Last edited by seventh_angel : 12-18-2012 at 09:44 PM.
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Old 12-18-2012, 10:58 PM   #2
smartalecG94
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I wasn't quite as fond of this one as your last few (see Leaving the Observation Room) but as always it was still solid. I was a bit disappointed in the tissues/issues rhyme in the third stanza; it felt like you were just trying to fit a rhyme there and it could've been much better in my opinion. Overall, I was a little confused about if this was a breakup piece or something deeper. Some of the lines seemed to lean towards the former, while others seemed to contradict that. I enjoyed it, but it confused me a smidge. And don't worry about the crit, just take your time
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Old 12-19-2012, 07:18 AM   #3
seventh_angel
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Yeah, I'm a bit iffy about that rhyme as well; this piece has a really weird mood and it was merely written for fun, but I kinda like it so I want some opinions. Also, it is purposely confusing, to make people think about it, so that kinda worked

Thanks for your comment Alec. I'm at work at the moment ( it shows ) but I think I'll get to your piece at the end of the day ^^
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