|12-24-2013, 03:25 AM||#1|
Join Date: Jun 2009
WotW: sleep only when it rains / cognitive dissonance
it's 11:27 p.m.
i am possesed by memory, the way
the light looks. lychees grow every summer
& their juice stains the concrete steps
of the porch.
in my dream, iím
sitting on the roof, our house
doesn't look the way that it does
the siding is blue, the highway makes
the same sound as always, it's 1:50 a.m.
i saw an old friend, it started snowing &
the man moved so i could take her picture
sometimes, i think we hide from how we feel.
the woman at work was
so much like his mom, couldn't focus or
find a damn thing & that wonderful big heart, we
called her phone for her, she
has to work on black friday.
it's 2:13 a.m. we're just studying poetry
in the mornings the neighbors' house is
the face of my despair.
now baopei is
homesick & it's cold &
these rave-going girls are using the bathroom
in our house, it's 4:06 a.m.
nothing is going to happen, we're just studying poetry
N. please don't relapse, the room
is harsh & red like velvia, i'll grow out
of this & just put my love where it goes.
a good house is hard to find. sleep only when it rains
scratch that /// only
when she's around.
in the dream that followed, everyone was gone &
no one was home. all the furniture thrown
into the merge lane below, no
oncoming traffic to be seen,
i can't leave behind anything.
Last edited by brokencoastline : 12-24-2013 at 10:56 AM.
|12-30-2013, 02:30 AM||#3|
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Coming Down, Cleveland Avenue
I'm struggling with whether I should leave that last comment in, because i really love this and that includes the ending, but i'm going to leave it just to see what you think. i'm still tossing between camps myself. This is a beautiful poem. The language and pacing, the repetitions, it's hypnotizing, and i was happy to look closely at how it works because there's a lot of magic in here. there's a lot of vulnerability in here, but it's a strong voice. you write like somebody who means it.
|12-31-2013, 01:12 PM||#4|
Join Date: Jun 2009
thanks so much for really digging into this, Jimmy.
the ending was pulled in from an entirely different place writing so that may account for why it settles somewhat strangely. the redundancy and inversion of the last line were mostly done for sonics/flow but i think they somewhat work in the weirdness of the dream, more so the last line than the really redundant "everyone was gone" thing. I think there's more to be said there, more to the dream itself too. i can't really see this ending another way, which may just be my own nearsightedness, but the ending as it is was sort of slammed out. i'll go over this again with your suggestions.
|01-10-2014, 01:11 PM||#6|
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join Date: Aug 2007
Sorry for such a late recognition; things have been busy on the secret council's headquarters
Congratz ! Great piece