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Old 01-02-2013, 09:38 PM   #1
frusciante.ve
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Sunny Sunday Afternoon

I dont understand well when I should write on the next line instead of the current one... is there some kind of rule?, I just press ENTER when i feel I should.

On a sunny sunday afternoon
I met this girl
Such a beautiful girl
Her hair was flowing with the wind
Her dress was a perfect match for the vibe
I cant stop looking at you
Even tho I try hard to
You got me breathless
And dont want it... to go in vain

And I know that
You are having fun
All by yourself but
Wont you come and dance
closer to me?
You are having fun
All by yourself but
Wont you come and dance
closer to me?
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Old 01-03-2013, 01:10 AM   #2
Audiolife
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From reading this I couldn't tell you had layout issues, so good job! A couple rules of thumb if you were interested: read it aloud look for natural pauses; that's a good place for line breaks. Another good place to star a new line is when a new idea starts , if it is a larger idea/theme that ends then a new stanza might fit too. For example, I would start a new stanza at the "her hair..." line and another at the "I can't stop..." line. It can also help the reader if you start a new stanza when the verb tense or perspective changes. Overall, good start, I will say that it would have a better flow if the "but"'s were at the beginning of the next line. Content is solid though!

Check mine out? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1580724

Last edited by Audiolife : 01-03-2013 at 01:11 AM.
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Old 01-03-2013, 02:41 PM   #3
ali.guitarkid7
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Yeah, you should just break the line where you think it's best for someone reading it. Like Audiolife said, it's good to read your piece aloud if not just for pauses but for flow, too.

But I liked this piece overall. Here is something to keep in mind: tell us how. How is her hair flowing with the wind? How is her dress a perfect match for the vibe (this line I'm not a huge fan of)? I'm not looking for an explanation, but show me how this happened, if that makes sense.

As for the second stanza, it's good and it works how it is, except for the 'and' at the start. That it could do without.
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Old 01-13-2013, 08:50 PM   #4
frusciante.ve
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Hi guys thanks for your comments... i totally forgot I had posted this, now Im actually trying to decide what chords to use for it

About explaining the "hows" on the song i think Ill leave it that way for now since I already got the melody for the song and I like it so... I cant add anymore without changing it. Thanks for the tip though

Last edited by frusciante.ve : 01-13-2013 at 08:52 PM.
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