the bartender

I will hold you dear
when the night
grows colder

we will have no fear
for the darker
days to come

and the snow
it won't
hold us back
as we set fire
to our souls
just to keep us warm


Sliding through the streets
the snow
remembers our feet

All the whitened trees
that stare
towards the ground

they know
we all
hide ourselves
in the crowns
and leaves
of love


as I
enjoy the speech
flowing
from your frosted lips
your words
rearrange
my scrambled bones
again


Let me hear your thoughts on this. I'll C4C.

__________________

You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children

You must not do it anymore

KidCanary

I think overall it's pretty good, but there were a couple bits that I think could be improved.


That 'to' just sticks out and doesn't really sound right to me. If it was me writing it I'd change that line to "from setting fire".

I also didn't think the word 'enjoy' really worked in the last stanza. Just after it you use the word 'flowing' which generally gives the idea of water or something, so I wonder if maybe you could do something more with that.

the bartender

I can usually spot any grammar/spelling mistakes I make (not a native speaker), but I hadn't seen this one. Is it actually wrong to say "... it won't hold us back to set fire ..."? Now that you've mentioned it I feel that it is, but I'm not entirely sure.

I think I get what you mean. Maybe I'd have to substitute it for something that means I'm 'taking it in'. That way the words would flow from her lips, into my body, where they can rearrange my bones. I'll think about it.

Thank you!

__________________

You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children

You must not do it anymore

unicornicopia

I liked it, it was just pretty good until the last stanza. That's what made it really great, I thought.

KidCanary

It's wrong by 'normal' usage of the language, but with lyrics and poetry not everything has to be completely correct. To me that line seemed a bit awkward because of it but that may just be a personal thing.



Yeah, I think that would work better. Again though, it's just a personal thing.

the bartender

Thanks !

Well I prefer correctness, so I've altered it. Thank you!

__________________

You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children

You must not do it anymore

Eccer

Finally got time to comment on this. I like it better now, by just adding "as we set fire" you managed to create this piece...into a pretty one!

Overall, simple and effective, good flow and great imagery

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SlashGirl107

this is really good i love it