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Old 01-13-2013, 03:59 AM   #1
5wFisher
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Join Date: Jul 2011
being obscene

smoking cigars
racing cars
he'll fly to mars
is there something he's hiding?

bankrupt, he's a poet
no guitar, he sold it
he starts walking
the people think he's running away

he's been dreaming since he was seventeen
there's nothing to do but move along
until you find something wrong
with being obscene

*any critiques would be helpful. thanks

Last edited by 5wFisher : 01-13-2013 at 10:44 AM.
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Old 01-13-2013, 11:26 AM   #2
ConcertShooter
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Join Date: Oct 2012
smoking cigars
racing cars
he'll fly into space
just another guitar ace

bankrupt and a poet
no guitar, he sold it
he starts walking
they whisper he's balking

scheming since a teen
nothing left of his dream
until something's found wrong
with being obscene

(I'm not a songwriter by any stretch of the imagination and can only guess where you're coming from with your original post\words.

Try to avoid using words more than once in the same sentence like the term "he." It's redundant really. I would also try to keep the lyrics short and as succinct as possible unless you need longer sentences for the music's sake. The fewer the words the better the flow I think.

Now if you're writing songs like "Taxi," and "Alice's Restaurant" then longer sentences might be preferable.)

Last edited by ConcertShooter : 01-13-2013 at 12:50 PM.
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Old 01-13-2013, 04:10 PM   #3
5wFisher
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Join Date: Jul 2011
thanks for the critique. i will look into keeping my lyrics succint
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