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Old 10-10-2013, 01:18 AM   #1
21wickwing
wick2107
 
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Location: USA
Cooper, At Sea

It felt like he’d traveled ten miles
since the last time he inhaled oxygen.
The darkness seemed to squeeze
his lungs towards the point of implosion.
As he reached and reached and he reached
Reached and he reached and reached again.
Each stroke enriched by the fading
memories of his fulfilled life.

“You know, Cooper,
If you keep swimming like this,
You may be an Olympian some day.”

“Come here, son.
Let’s put on these floaties for you.
You ready to learn?!”

Snapshots and scenes scatter through
His pulsing heart, pushing every last
ounce of blood he has left
through his deprived body.
And he kicked and kicked and he kicked
Kicked and he kicked and kicked again
Each flick of the foot representing
one less second of life remaining.

Cooper Jr. wasn’t alive yet.
Surrounded by nourishing liquids.

And for a moment,

Silence.

Nothing moved.
Not the water.
Not a fish.
Not our hero.

-One last push-

He felt his hand scrape at the beaming
reflection of the sun at the surface.
His tears altered the ocean’s currents
Once more.

And he breathed.

*I have since recorded this and renamed it Horrors At Sea*

Last edited by 21wickwing : 10-10-2013 at 05:27 PM.
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Old 10-13-2013, 03:30 PM   #2
doubtfulsalmon
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Quote:
Originally Posted by 21wickwing
It felt like he’d traveled ten miles
since the last time he inhaled oxygen. <------ this line really didn't sit well with me, it
The darkness seemed to squeeze feels like you've chosen synonyms from
his lungs towards the point of implosion. a thesaurus, consider trying to link this
As he reached and reached and he reached in more with other imagery
Reached and he reached and reached again.
Each stroke enriched by the fading
memories of his fulfilled life.

personally i'd also drop "again" as it's a wasted word, it just says the same thing as the repetition of "reached" but in a less powerful way

“You know, Cooper,
If you keep swimming like this,
You may be an Olympian some day.”

“Come here, son.
Let’s put on these floaties for you.
You ready to learn?!”

This is a nice little interlude. One of my favourite things I've read from you

Snapshots and scenes scatter through
His pulsing heart, pushing every last
ounce of blood he has left
through his deprived body.
And he kicked and kicked and he kicked
Kicked and he kicked and kicked again
Each flick of the foot representing
one less second of life remaining.

I think you can do better than "every last ounce" maybe reference "ten miles" from the first line? it just needs more texture y'know. Same thing about "again". I like what this stanza does with the storyline of the piece.

Cooper Jr. wasn’t alive yet.
Surrounded by nourishing liquids.

And for a moment,

Silence.

Nothing moved.
Not the water.
Not a fish.
Not our hero.

-One last push-

yet another really well done interlude, I'm digging these.

He felt his hand scrape at the beaming
reflection of the sun at the surface.
His tears altered the ocean’s currents
Once more.

And he breathed.

You've wrapped this up pretty tidily


Just a couple of pointers here. This works very well spoken btw, kudos. I'd appreciate it if you gave my most recent thing a look over, if you have the time.
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Old 10-14-2013, 11:22 AM   #3
Eccer
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by 21wickwing
It felt like he’d traveled ten miles since the last time he inhaled oxygen.
The darkness seemed to squeeze his lungs towards the point of implosion.
As he reached and reached and he reached
Reached and he reached and reached again. -this was better spoken
Each stroke enriched by the fading memories of his fulfilled life.

Personally, the linebreaks didn't work that well here imo. I changed it so you may see my point, I think they work better this way. Overall there's also some imagery lacking to give it that extra puff perhaps...

“You know, Cooper,
If you keep swimming like this,
You may be an Olympian some day.”

“Come here, son.
Let’s put on these floaties for you.
You ready to learn?!”

Who haven't heard these at least once in childhood? ^^

Snapshots and scenes scatter through
His pulsing heart, pushing every last
ounce of blood he has left through his deprived body.
And he kicked and kicked and he kicked
Kicked and he kicked and kicked again -also, better live.
Each flick of the foot representing one less second of life remaining.

Again, the linebreaks...

Cooper Jr. wasn’t alive yet.
Surrounded by nourishing liquids.

And for a moment,

Silence.

Nothing moved.
Not the water.
Not a fish.
Not our hero.

-One last push-

He felt his hand scrape at the beaming
reflection of the sun at the surface.
His tears altered the ocean’s currents
Once more.

And he breathed.

This part worked so well when you spoke it. Really nice

*I have since recorded this and renamed it Horrors At Sea*



Overall, I felt this piece was kinda boring perhaps? I hate to say it that way, but that's what I felt from it the third time I read it. You have done better, already from the beginning it seems to lack that... engaging pulse. And that's because it is such a standard way of telling it, however! The way you lead it to the end was really nice. You do seem to always retain that poetic essence, but somehow falls back to standard form sometimes. "How to engage the reader in a story that seems mundane but ends softly"...I guess is the real question here. On a final note if this is personal in any way, then I respect that.

Last edited by Eccer : 10-14-2013 at 11:29 AM.
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