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Old 08-07-2013, 12:07 PM   #1
Eccer
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Lies To What Myself Is

"It's in the ornaments" I
walked past every day.
They said, if I lined my
fingers, tracing the
patterns.
There would be an end to
what myself is.

The garden had many
nifty figurines.
Some of them already
populated with leaves and
vines.
Veins, that all gave it
support.

I would usually spend my
time out of it when I had
to.
No more but a second
and the observation
from it all.

Shapes, which would spread
out in all directions
Some confusing
Some spiraling even
Forming, endless
Foams and reasons, at the
very tip of my finger.

Or was it?

Of course, I could not tell.
What's not there if not
untouched
O'er lies to what myself is?

Last edited by Eccer : 08-11-2013 at 03:53 PM.
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Old 08-09-2013, 04:54 PM   #2
21wickwing
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Location: USA
This paints a very beautiful picture in my mind. Although I seem to lose the picture when I try to determine "what myself is" so to speak, which is the intention of the poem. I find this poem to be very well executed and I quite enjoyed it.

You are a master of the visual, sir.

"The garden had many
nifty figurines.
Some of them already
populated with leaves and
wines.
Veins, that all gave it
support."

I particularly loved this verse!
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Old 08-10-2013, 03:42 PM   #3
Eccer
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Thanks for this positive feedback! It's in the ornaments...wouldn't you wish for them to never end? Or not perhaps? :>
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Old 08-11-2013, 03:44 PM   #4
doubtfulsalmon
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eccer
"It's in the ornaments" I
walked past every day.
They said, if lined my
fingers tracing the
patterns.*
There would be an end to
what myself is.

*I don't think this sentence makes sense, is it missing a word perhaps?

strong opening, building a detailed picture already, i particularly like how you've used quotation marks

The garden had many
nifty figurines.
Some of them already
populated with leaves and
wines.
Veins, that all gave it
support.

fantastic stanza, flows perfectly. there's something about the half rhyming of wines/veins that i can't put my finger on, but i love it

I would usually spend my
time out of it when I had
to.
No more but a second
and the observation
from it all.

Shapes, which would spread
out in all directions
Some confusing
Some spiraling even
Forming, endless
Foams and reasons, at the
very tip of my finger.

great flow again.

Or was it?

Of course, I could not tell.
What's not there if not
untouched
O'er lies to what myself is?


Overall there's very little to find fault with and i thought this was awesome.
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Old 08-11-2013, 03:56 PM   #5
Eccer
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Thanks alot, changed the faulty wines-which should be vines. And the missing word with and extra comma. Should be more correct now hopefully. I'm glad you liked it

Last edited by Eccer : 08-11-2013 at 04:06 PM.
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