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Old 01-31-2009, 10:34 AM   #1
tushmeister
Just uh, one more thing..
 
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The Circadian Clock

I'm a myoclonic jerk,
Here to test your body works,
I'll unrest you but at best you'll never fear my subtle words.

I'm a terror of the night,
Here to give you such a fright.
I'll awake you just to shake you, make you crave the argon lights.

So go to sleep my darling,
Close your eyes and rest your face,
I'll be there to keep you warm
And there you'll die in my embrace,
Fall into a darkened vision,
Just to wake with the sunrise,
You may think I've gone away,
But I lie dormant in your eyes.

I'm the pain that makes you weak,
I am tiredness, hear me speak,
I'll seduce and then reduce you till you fall into my sleep.


I'll do what I can to crit back, first time I've posted in here (I think, otherwise it was a long time ago) and my literature criticising skills haven't been flexed since GCSE's a few years ago
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlackerBabbath
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Old 07-26-2009, 03:47 AM   #2
Danny7
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Stinks of a Metallica song or something. Hardly profound lyrically, especially given your choice of subject. Needs work bro, sorry.
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Old 07-26-2009, 06:31 AM   #3
tushmeister
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny7
Stinks of a Metallica song or something. Hardly profound lyrically, especially given your choice of subject. Needs work bro, sorry.



Um, that's hardly a constructive criticism?
And stinks of Metallica? I'd hardly agree, but if I did I'd be pointing out they've had several big hits...

And the choice of subject? A body function that control the rhythm of the body and a mechanism that checks that the body is still responding when falling asleep as a remnant from the days we slept in trees...
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Originally Posted by SlackerBabbath
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Old 08-13-2009, 10:33 AM   #4
tushmeister
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I could probably do with checking the forum rules for this forum, but I'm going to go out on a limb and risk it.

This here is a bump. I received one piece of non-constructive criticism and would quite like some more replies please
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Quote:
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Oh, well hit sir!
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Old 08-13-2009, 03:58 PM   #5
denizenz
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tush...I didn't know you write poetry.

The first two stanza's are perfect, but I'm a sucker for rigid rhyme schemes and scansion so I'm sure others here may disagree.

I like these lines as they present a nice contrast:

Quote:
I'll be there to keep you warm
And there you'll die in my embrace


However, the rest of that segment falls apart afterward, I feel. The rhymes aren't as solid, and the scansion breaks down for me.

It's sad but true that the last stanza is likely where danny7 got his Metallica vibe from.

Quote:
Originally Posted by metallica
I'm your dream, mind astray
I'm your eyes while you're away
I'm your pain while you repay
You know it's sad but true




Hope my humble opinion helps a little. If you don't mind returning the favor: http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1181997
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Old 08-13-2009, 04:06 PM   #6
tushmeister
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Quote:
Originally Posted by denizenz
tush...I didn't know you write poetry.

The first two stanza's are perfect, but I'm a sucker for rigid rhyme schemes and scansion so I'm sure others here may disagree.

I like these lines as they present a nice contrast:



However, the rest of that segment falls apart afterward, I feel. The rhymes aren't as solid, and the scansion breaks down for me.

It's sad but true that the last stanza is likely where danny7 got his Metallica vibe from.





Hope my humble opinion helps a little. If you don't mind returning the favor: http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1181997



I used to write all the time, had 430+ of them on my laptop when it got wiped, never did back them up. That was a few years back, since then I've wrote maybe 10 pieces, completely lost the desire to write that I once had, now once in a while I find an idea and I run with it

Thanks for the opinion, I've been working out how to improve it for ages now and I can't find any solid ideas, I suppose it's just destined to be mediocre at best but no worries, I'm not hinging a career on writing

I'll go take a look now
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For My (Relatively) Basic Chemistry Teachings

Please,call me John


Quote:
Originally Posted by SlackerBabbath
Oh, well hit sir!
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Old 08-13-2009, 07:16 PM   #7
benx3000
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Where to start? I loved the part about the argon lights. Made me think of a dance floor. I loved the kind of "deceive" theme that was there. It seemed to me like it was saying how clubs and raves seem all innocent, but then there is the seedy underbelly of it that will DESTROY YOU. Good piece.
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Old 08-14-2009, 12:43 AM   #8
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Constructive critisism? Sounds like you grabbed a thesaurus on that one. "Myoclonic" sounds awful, since it's the only 'fifty-cent' word you use. And in the first line, no less!

Yes, I know what it means. Yes, I know its appropriate and fits best. Doesn't change my critisism. If you're going to use fancy words and try to write intelligently, you can't use phrases like 'seduce and then reduce you.' That's a pretty typical rhyme there, like love and above.

Not saying you're an idiot. Not saying you're a smartypants. Just saying you need to decide if you want to be an intelligent lyricist or write catchy lines. If you go back-and-forth in the same song, it sounds weird.
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Old 08-14-2009, 06:09 AM   #9
tushmeister
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Not what I was going for at all but thanks for the positive feedback, I'll crit that now

Quote:
Originally Posted by jean_genie
Constructive critisism? Sounds like you grabbed a thesaurus on that one. "Myoclonic" sounds awful, since it's the only 'fifty-cent' word you use. And in the first line, no less!

Yes, I know what it means. Yes, I know its appropriate and fits best. Doesn't change my critisism. If you're going to use fancy words and try to write intelligently, you can't use phrases like 'seduce and then reduce you.' That's a pretty typical rhyme there, like love and above.

Not saying you're an idiot. Not saying you're a smartypants. Just saying you need to decide if you want to be an intelligent lyricist or write catchy lines. If you go back-and-forth in the same song, it sounds weird.



To me that seems a redundant point, there's nothing intelligent about the word myoclonic, it is what it is, no other word describes that function.

Even then, why can't there be intelligence AND catchyness? I don't need to cater to one audience, thick or intelligent, there are people who can understand it and appreciate the simpler rhymes, take denizenz who's already said so himself.

I'd consider it snobby to try and write in entirely 'intelligent' terms, it would also probably make for a terrible read and one with much less meaning, the simpler words evoke more from a reader. It would be belittling to treat the people who are reading it as children, so if a 'big word' is the only sensible option and it fits the scansion and topic, I'll put it in happily.

I'm not sure what you mean by grabbing a thesaurus either, since you say only one word is of any intelligence and it's not a word you can replace with any other without losing heaps of meaning...
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlackerBabbath
Oh, well hit sir!

Last edited by tushmeister : 08-14-2009 at 06:15 AM.
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Old 08-14-2009, 06:39 AM   #10
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there's no point in asking for crits if you're just gonna call anyone who has anything negative to say an idiot, also you should check out the forum rules, because it's incredibly rude to bump a six month old piece and knock everyone else's new pieces down in the queue.
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Old 08-14-2009, 06:55 AM   #11
tushmeister
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NGD1313
there's no point in asking for crits if you're just gonna call anyone who has anything negative to say an idiot, also you should check out the forum rules, because it's incredibly rude to bump a six month old piece and knock everyone else's new pieces down in the queue.


There's no point in making a crit that makes no sense either? One minute I'm accused of grabbing a thesaurus, the next I'm told I'm too simple...

I didn't call den an idiot for his criticism, nor would I most people, so long as it actually makes sense and helps towards change.
I didn't even call that guy an idiot, I simply disputed his point because I saw little sense in it, there's a difference between the two.


How else could I ask for criticism however? Could it not be rude to expect me to sit on page 45 or wherever too? I've only bumped it once, because like anyone I'd like to have feedback (good and bad), I apologise for that.
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The Church is not full of hypocrites. There's always room for more.


For My (Relatively) Basic Chemistry Teachings

Please,call me John


Quote:
Originally Posted by SlackerBabbath
Oh, well hit sir!

Last edited by tushmeister : 08-14-2009 at 06:57 AM.
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Old 08-14-2009, 07:03 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tushmeister

How else could I ask for criticism however? Could it not be rude to expect me to sit on page 45 or wherever too? I've only bumped it once, because like anyone I'd like to have feedback (good and bad), I apologise for that.


you crit someone else's piece and politely ask them to critique yours back. it's the cycle of things, and i'm merely suggesting that you open yourself to others' opinions and attempt to see where they're coming from rather than refuting them, this poem is not perfect, and you could gain a lot from time spent editing for criticisms rather than attempting to combat them.
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Old 08-14-2009, 07:15 AM   #13
tushmeister
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NGD1313
you crit someone else's piece and politely ask them to critique yours back. it's the cycle of things, and i'm merely suggesting that you open yourself to others' opinions and attempt to see where they're coming from rather than refuting them, this poem is not perfect, and you could gain a lot from time spent editing for criticisms rather than attempting to combat them.



I know that, I'm open to his opinion but his opinion made no sense to me. I replied by stating that and explaining why I believed it, he can then reply and explain it better to me, and I can take it on board. If it makes no sense to me I'm not going to leave it at that, I want to get something out of criticism, in questioning what he said I'm simply trying to work out what he means by it since it seems contradictory.
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For My (Relatively) Basic Chemistry Teachings

Please,call me John


Quote:
Originally Posted by SlackerBabbath
Oh, well hit sir!
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Old 08-14-2009, 07:29 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tushmeister
I know that, I'm open to his opinion but his opinion made no sense to me. I replied by stating that and explaining why I believed it, he can then reply and explain it better to me, and I can take it on board. If it makes no sense to me I'm not going to leave it at that, I want to get something out of criticism, in questioning what he said I'm simply trying to work out what he means by it since it seems contradictory.


you have to see it from his point of view, i mean, i actually agree with him in this case, which means he may actually be making sense, and it's you that's missing something. the use of the word myoclonic implies a larger vocabulary that is never referenced again, giving the reader the impression that you attempted to start this with a 'large' word to convey intelligence which reeks of pretension and is honestly, pretty off-putting. you take a guy like steve (thehurtwithin), he probably had the most expansive vocabulary of anyone to ever post here, and well, when he'd post, he'd make use of that vocabulary appropriately and on a regular basis throughout a piece and it felt natural and homogeneous, when you do it here, it just feels contrived. it's important to look at your pieces with an even more critical eye than you would someone else's.

Last edited by NGD1313 : 08-14-2009 at 07:30 AM.
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Old 08-14-2009, 11:07 AM   #15
AngryGoldfish
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The first line is great, but as NGD said, it doesn't follow suit. Because of that I don't know what to think of the piece. It feels humorous and cryptic at parts, while at others it feels cliched and pointed. Which is ironic because I can't actually see clarity concerning the meaning.

edit: this is old, I shouldn't be doing this.
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Old 08-14-2009, 05:13 PM   #16
tushmeister
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The first line is 'I'm a myoclonic jerk'

I'm sorry but again I have to ask, how exactly does that make any sense? The first in is 'I am' followed by a bodily function, there's nothing to it...


And NG, I don't see why people assume a larger vocabulary, and more importantly I still can't see why that matters unless people are being snobby about it...


Maybe you're right, I shouldn't bother, but until I can make any sense of criticism I can't use it.


EDIT For the record, the meaning, at least, as I wrote it, was that of functions that regulate the body at night, nightmares, myoclonic jerks,and how they can control people, how people are afraid of them. The thing about seduction etc is how close they are to us, how we're lulled into sleep whether we want to or not, only to be taunted by our own body leading us to believe we're in trouble.
=
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The Church is not full of hypocrites. There's always room for more.


For My (Relatively) Basic Chemistry Teachings

Please,call me John


Quote:
Originally Posted by SlackerBabbath
Oh, well hit sir!

Last edited by tushmeister : 08-14-2009 at 05:15 PM.
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