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Old 08-14-2009, 05:28 AM   #1
Chozz
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Just for you

Something quick I jotted down to remind me to be patient and not to rush things generally in life

You've got to remember that what I feel
Is just temporary,
and it's for the moment pending,
it shows i'm waiting for the happy ending.

As time goes by I will learn how to
pass the hour, and remember

To be patient
To be real
To be true

Try not to forget
Try not to mess things up
Like I always do

It seems sometimes like everything is meaningless
Searching through the emptiness
To try to find you

Everything that surrounds me,
sometimes jumping out at me,
I refuse to see

But as life goes by, wisdom comes;
Time doesn't heal, you just get used to hurt.

To be patient, to be real, to be true
Is what I need right now, can you show me what to do?
Try to remember, not to mess things up, like I always do
Try to remember, that I try so hard...
Just for you!


Hope you like it.
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Old 08-14-2009, 11:31 AM   #2
AngryGoldfish
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Location: Ireland
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chozz
Something quick I jotted down to remind me to be patient and not to rush things generally in life

You've got to remember that what I feel
Is just temporary,
and it's for the moment pending,
it shows i'm waiting for the happy ending.
This is quite conversational. The words "just", and "and" both add textures; textures that help set a tone. But I don't know whether it would work out better without them. Maybe this could be used as a replacement:
--
"You've got to remember that what I feel
is temporary.
It's for the moment pending,
it shows i'm waiting for the happy ending."
--

As time goes by I will learn how to
pass the hour, and remember

To be patient
To be real
To be true
You're putting a great deal of emphasis on these three lines here, but the last of the few isn't particularly original or attractive; it seems a little derivative and 'easy'. The spacing and line breaks do work, though, as you later repeat the same bunch of phrases but keep them together and wired which makes them more believable and less obtrusive. Maybe you could simply find an alternative for "true"?

Try not to forget
Try not to mess things up
Like I always do
This interpolates the tone a little too much It suddenly becomes aggravated and flustered. Your patience seems to be waning, which is ideal for the theme, but it may be a little over-done. It needs to be exact.

It seems sometimes like everything is meaningless
Searching through the emptiness
To try to find you
I don't know whether to like the first line in this stanza. It trips over itself quite a bit, which then doesn't fit with the "emptiness" idea. The first line should of been, maybe, a little more vacant and less obviously 'out there'.

Everything that surrounds me,
sometimes jumping out at me,
I refuse to see
I'm starting to find these three lines-per-verse a little grating. They don't connect particularly well, but just show another side of how you are feeling. The piece seems to be centred around covering all the angles of your emotions, instead of sticking with one and pushing it to it's limits.


But as life goes by, wisdom comes;
Time doesn't heal, you just get used to hurt.
These don't link with each very well. I love the idea of the second line, but the first one kind of ruins it for me. And it's not exactly true, either: "wisdom" doesn't miraculously come with age, it takes a serious amount of effort and work. It's ignorant to believe you will achieve wisdom just by ageing. It's what often makes old people overly assertive and confident of themselves.

To be patient, to be real, to be true
Is what I need right now, can you show me what to do?
Try to remember, not to mess things up, like I always do
Try to remember, that I try so hard...
Just for you!

This concludes things fairly well.

Hope you like it.
This was an enjoyable piece. You knew what you wanted and stuck with it.
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Old 08-14-2009, 05:28 PM   #3
Chozz
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by AngryGoldfish
This was an enjoyable piece. You knew what you wanted and stuck with it.


Thanks for the critique. This is basically the song untouched, raw, as it came out of my head. Got a little bit of tweeking to it seems!
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