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Old 03-01-2009, 07:28 PM   #1
stellar_legs
semen bath.
 
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Clone High
"Saving Face at Masque, Downtown, Saturday at 12:37 a.m."

Metro stations put dividers in the benches to
discourage homeless people from sleeping on them.
Take a train, take a train to sleep away his name.
Pressed your cheek against the window to numb the
pain of an aching tooth.
You're always a difficult girl to a degree -
Cutting your stomach open with a box cutter rather than untying the knot.
The train cables make noises like jangly
picking above the nut,
Volume switches swelling the static,
Take a train, take a train for good 'ole what's his name.
It's too cold to feel the moisture between your legs.
Too banal to be discreet with this.
A tepid arrangement of genes and molecules for
super sonic booms.
They bury their faces in Nylon magazines,
Wrap oversized headphones around their ears,
Nip at a flask,
Hands down the pants,
Dribble down the chins,
Greasy hair plastered against forheads with sweat,
A wet mess sticking jeans to skin:
You're a difficult girl to look at when there's no other distraction
For slavering doggish men.
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Old 03-01-2009, 08:45 PM   #2
vintage x metal
Brown-Thighed Girl
 
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It would help to have breaks into stanzas. Imagery is very nice... I particularly liked
Pressed your cheek against the window to numb the
pain of an aching tooth

and
A tepid arrangement of genes and molecules for
super sonic booms



Enjoyed.
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Old 03-01-2009, 08:48 PM   #3
stellar_legs
semen bath.
 
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Location: Clone High
I normally don't particularly like breaking my writing up into stanzas unless they're very long, and then they're more like paragraphs than stanzas.

But thank you.
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Old 03-01-2009, 08:55 PM   #4
vintage x metal
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I read through it again and I can see where you're coming from. Everyone has their own style, heh; it doesn't take away from your piece at all.
Forgot to mention, I really really like the last image of the men drinking coffee; you worded it so well.
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Old 03-01-2009, 08:57 PM   #5
Jiggzy.UK
Spiders
 
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: The Ranch
Damm you, i was hoping i would hate this, so i could say the same thing you said to boredness, But i don't..It's good, and youve ruined my plan for justice.
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