03-01-2009, 07:28 PM
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#1 |
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semen bath.
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Clone High
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"Saving Face at Masque, Downtown, Saturday at 12:37 a.m."
Metro stations put dividers in the benches to
discourage homeless people from sleeping on them. Take a train, take a train to sleep away his name. Pressed your cheek against the window to numb the pain of an aching tooth. You're always a difficult girl to a degree - Cutting your stomach open with a box cutter rather than untying the knot. The train cables make noises like jangly picking above the nut, Volume switches swelling the static, Take a train, take a train for good 'ole what's his name. It's too cold to feel the moisture between your legs. Too banal to be discreet with this. A tepid arrangement of genes and molecules for super sonic booms. They bury their faces in Nylon magazines, Wrap oversized headphones around their ears, Nip at a flask, Hands down the pants, Dribble down the chins, Greasy hair plastered against forheads with sweat, A wet mess sticking jeans to skin: You're a difficult girl to look at when there's no other distraction For slavering doggish men.
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Poor advice. |
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03-01-2009, 08:45 PM
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#2 |
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DT's Feminist Mom
Join Date: Sep 2006
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It would help to have breaks into stanzas. Imagery is very nice... I particularly liked
Pressed your cheek against the window to numb the pain of an aching tooth and A tepid arrangement of genes and molecules for super sonic booms Enjoyed.
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GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY
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03-01-2009, 08:48 PM
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#3 |
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semen bath.
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Clone High
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I normally don't particularly like breaking my writing up into stanzas unless they're very long, and then they're more like paragraphs than stanzas.
But thank you.
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Poor advice. |
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03-01-2009, 08:55 PM
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#4 |
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DT's Feminist Mom
Join Date: Sep 2006
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I read through it again and I can see where you're coming from. Everyone has their own style, heh; it doesn't take away from your piece at all.
Forgot to mention, I really really like the last image of the men drinking coffee; you worded it so well.
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GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY
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03-01-2009, 08:57 PM
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#5 | |
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Spiders
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: The Ranch
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Damm you, i was hoping i would hate this, so i could say the same thing you said to boredness, But i don't..It's good, and youve ruined my plan for justice.
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