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View Poll Results: Which Jokes are the best? (Choose One)
Jew Jokes 75 8.16%
Baby Jokes 174 18.93%
Sexually Related Jokes 136 14.80%
Michael Jackson Jokes 10 1.09%
Gay/Homo/Bi/Rape Jokes 41 4.46%
Fat Jokes 22 2.39%
Cookies 26 2.83%
Religous 48 5.22%
Other 67 7.29%
I Like them all, and I Wuv Cookies...From your mom! 320 34.82%
Voters: 919. You may not vote on this poll

Old 03-01-2009, 02:26 AM   #41
Amuro Jay
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Location: Ra Cailum Battleship
Originally Posted by Jonjy2
So Dimebag walks into a bar...

lol dip rime
rollin' and tumblin'
breaking my own heart again
Originally Posted by K'Nuckles
Butts are where you keep sin. Buttsex would be like ploughing pure sin.
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Old 03-01-2009, 02:28 AM   #42
Bleed it!
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A woman has just given birth to a beautiful baby, the doctor holds the little miracle, cradled in his arms. His eyes light up and he smiles as he looks into it's little face, all full of rebirth and new life, he looks at the mother and whispers "congratulations" she smiles.

Suddenly, the doctor starts punching the baby, kicking it, biting its ears, throwing it against the wall, he stomps on its head screaming and groaning, the mother watches in horror.

The doctor picks the baby up above his head, bringing it down , its spine thumping hard againt his solid, bent knee, a loud cracking noise is produced. The doctor disposes of the baby, throwing it through a pane glass window, Off the 13th story of the hospital.

The mother, teary and screaming cries " WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! YOU'VE MURDERED MY BABY!"

The doctor, trying to choke down his laughter, turns and says with a cheeky grin " I'm just kidding! it was already dead!"
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Old 03-01-2009, 02:30 AM   #43
A Bad Guitarist
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What do you say when you see your TV floating off in the middle of the night?
"Drop it, nigra!"

A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot.

A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under "Number of children," she wrote "10," and where it said "List names of children," she wrote "Leroy." When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: "Now here where it says "List names of children," you're supposed to write the names of each one of your children." "Dey all named Leroy," said the black woman. "That's very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?" asked the welfare worker. "Oh, den I uses the last names."

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"
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Old 03-01-2009, 02:35 AM   #44
A Bad Guitarist
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Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

How do you break up the "Million Man March"?
Fly overhead with helicopters and drop job applications.

A 5 year old black boy walks up to a 5 year old white boy and says, "My daddy's goy a car. When he honks the horn it goes 'honkey honkey'". Little white boy says, "****, my daddys got a chain saw when he starts it up it goes 'run nigga nigga run'".

Why are aspirin pills white?
Because they work.
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Old 03-01-2009, 02:40 AM   #45
A Bad Guitarist
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What's long, black and smelly?
The unemployment line.

How can you tell that Adam and Eve weren't black?
Have you ever taken a rib from a black man?

Why don't black people like bllow jobs?
They just don't like jobs.

Why are black people smelly?
So the blind can hate them, too.

How was break dancing invented?
It began as an attempt to take hubcaps off of moving cars.
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Old 03-01-2009, 02:46 AM   #46
A Bad Guitarist
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Copypasta engine [OFF|ON]
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Old 03-01-2009, 02:51 AM   #47
Music for people and more
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Location: Nebraska
Write your own lyrics or poetry? Post them HERE for a crit.
Follow me on Twitter
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Old 03-01-2009, 03:10 AM   #48
Registered Muser
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Location: Straya
What's the difference between the searchbar, Helen Keller and Maddie McCann?

The searchbar isn't used often enough.
Pedalboard Thread Native: The Fuzzy Little Man Peach

UG's Best Small Pedalboard 2013
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Old 03-01-2009, 03:39 AM   #49
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Location: Fontaine fisheries
Originally Posted by SweatyMushrooms
What did the orange say to the apple...

I rape little boys.


That is ****ed up.
return 0;

Originally Posted by jsync
And I've eaten at some of Australia's best pizzerias.

. com / fancy-elle
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Old 03-01-2009, 03:50 AM   #50
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Location: South Australia
Go up to a person in a wheelchair and ask them if they're good at dancing.
F U C K A - T E E D A H

Originally Posted by Vornik
I look like an alligator.

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Old 03-01-2009, 04:13 AM   #51
UG Senior Member
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Location: Here.
Knock Knock

Who's There?


Manmanster who?

Can I come in?
Originally Posted by vintage x metal
My toilet has seen some scenes that one would describe as 'deathcore'
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Old 03-01-2009, 04:25 AM   #52
UG's anti-semite
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Location: Sydney, Australia
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Old 03-01-2009, 04:27 AM   #53
Stupendous Man
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Wut do u do with a girl after you have sex with her?

Drop her back off at the playground!
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Old 03-01-2009, 05:30 AM   #54
Bobo Jenkins
Winner at Life
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Location: The Dark Side Of The Moon.
What does Tofu and a Dildo have in common?

Their both meat substitutes.
Originally Posted by offspring_punk
9/10 Bobo Jenkins just sounds godly in general. I think I'll name my firstborn child that. Male or female.

Last edited by Bobo Jenkins : 03-01-2009 at 05:31 AM.
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Old 03-01-2009, 05:43 AM   #55
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Location: Kelowna, BC
Can you stick this plastic tube in your pee hole and I'll stick the same one just the other end in my pee hole and we'll both pee in there and the end of the tube, which ever one falls out first loses and the loser has to drink the pee in the tube and has to get pooped on the chest by the winner. That's not a joke.
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Old 03-01-2009, 06:09 AM   #56
authentic kung fu action
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Location: Glasgow
what is funnier than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees
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Old 03-01-2009, 06:13 AM   #57
Abunai X
UG's chicken child
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Location: Australia
"What's green and has wheels?

A frog - I lied about the wheels."

Except that joke fails, because some green cars have wheels, too.
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Old 03-01-2009, 06:21 AM   #58
UG Newbie
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Location: Suburbs of southern Houston, TX (aka blow-up zone)
Umm, how do you get a baby to float in the pool?
Take your foot off its head!

Whats blue and yellow and red all over?
A baby at the bottom of the pool with slashed floaties!

How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
Nail down its other hand!
Originally Posted by Azgirio
Yeah, you definitely raped his churches and burned his women.

Originally Posted by LordBishek
Forgive the bluntness, but what in the chucklefucking hell is this?
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Old 03-01-2009, 06:30 AM   #59
Metal Cow
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Location: Melbourne, Australia
What's the best thing about having sex with 23 year olds?

There's twenty of them
Originally Posted by srvguitarrulez
I heard someone say that Fall Out Boy had amazing guitarwork. But, it was a 13 year old girl, so it didn't matter.
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Old 03-01-2009, 06:40 AM   #60
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What did the banana say to the vibrator? -Why are you shaking she's going to eat me!
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