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Old 03-17-2009, 05:15 PM   #1
ottoavist
is harming feelings.
 
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: the essence that was Eden.
considerately dead and looking for advice.

considerately dead and looking for advice.

often when i sleep,
i have a recurring dream that
a horde of mad-men descend
upon my home from beyond
the sky and the unknown
perpetual,
to devour my truths and
manhood and soul.

i never wake frightened,
it seems when they reach me
i've already accepted what's
to come.
afterward i usually just
flip-on the t.v.
and my confusion remains as
the first curseword i moan or yawn
because it interrupts my sleep;
especially when i have to work
the following day.

i won't lie, it does bother me some:

i don't think i'm heartless, but
i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a little too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
hop in the car and stop at the gas station
smoke a cigarette on the highway shifting lanes
park my car outside a secure entrance
and live a lie over the telephone lines
work my nine to five
selling bottled spring water to nice and mean people
selling something natural that shouldn't cost a dime
selling a good personality
selling business-charm and one-time-deals and sales-tax-
satisfaction and revised pricing for industrial America;
they get a little more of my soul each day.

how odd our dreams force the truth upon and inside us -
oh but listen it's just as
free as air, themepark smiles, and our complimentary cup dispensor
while the human imagination,
wild as the fashionably-sensitive animals on cell phones in roaming herds,
too afraid to say hello to anything but the voice on the other end,
eyes asking things like "where am i going?,"
we still pass in the streets and see it all as distinguished
or normalcy, life, and something new based on the same
old principles that'll someday, no doubt, be a religion; and i too,
remain wild as the ravenous lying animal i meet each morning
in the mirror
and survive its vicarious evils to expose my naked-
self like this for
you.

ahh, i'm always tired.
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Last edited by ottoavist : 03-23-2009 at 04:53 PM.
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Old 03-17-2009, 05:29 PM   #2
kdownes
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What I'm really starting to love about your pieces is they mendear from gritty reality to abstractism and all over the place, but always hold the central theme, and always, with the last line or two, you pull everything back into focus. That's what kills for me. That's why I come back and read you again and again and again.
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Old 03-17-2009, 05:29 PM   #3
vintage x metal
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I always have to read your work over a few times because the first read flows so well and sounds so lovely that I don't pay proper attention to the words. You build a very tangible facade in the third long stanza, and the 'naked' character comes out in an interesting manner... You talk about it but I don't necessarily feel it. It's like when you watch those very personal confessions on the television or hear them on the radio and the person talking keeps composure and polish while spilling their guts, like it's unreal, or they're talking about a story. It's a little scary and very very very real. It's so relateable in the way that you don't want it to be; no writer wants to relate to the white-collared schoolfish he is, but it's all true.

I'm babbling. This is good, I like it.
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Old 03-18-2009, 04:26 PM   #4
ottoavist
is harming feelings.
 
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thank you guys.
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Old 03-18-2009, 06:24 PM   #5
culex-knight
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Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
I'm pretty much in line with the other swine, waiting to buy your book. Feed me.
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Old 03-18-2009, 06:46 PM   #6
ChordMonger
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holy ****

this is one of the best things ive read on here

its wild and dreamy
attacks corporate america without getting preachy
intensely personal, but still relatable

just beautiful
almost prose-y at times

nice job man
i'de love to read more of your work


C4C?
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1089380

~b
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Old 03-19-2009, 09:12 AM   #7
20Tigers
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Nice. I've written some works off as not being "songs" or "lyrical" to me. Which is the point of a songwriting thread. This didn't strike me as a likely candidate for song lyrics but possibly. Regardless of that I couldn't stop reading. It hooked me in and I thought it was very good.

I liked this piece.

Feel free to return fire: Walk Away (link to my lyrics)
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Old 03-22-2009, 02:59 PM   #8
freshtunes
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this is your best out of your last few posts. i'll be back after work this evening. your thoughts on 'aluminum bitten roof.' would be much appreciated.

after the first read, one line that really jumped out...

"wild as the fashionably-sensitive animals on cell phones in roaming herds,
too afraid to say hello to anything but the voice on the other end"
-perfect
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ottoavist
i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
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Old 03-22-2009, 04:46 PM   #9
Ninjamonkey767
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Fantastic work. I might come back to nitpick, but there really isn't much I can think to say. I didn't like the linebreaks in the first stanza, particularly "unknown perpetual". I thought you were going to end on "unknown". Still, I've always enjoyed reading you.
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Old 03-22-2009, 11:08 PM   #10
freshtunes
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im sig'ing a portion of this, if it is alright with you.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ottoavist
i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
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Old 03-23-2009, 07:41 AM   #11
Nilchii
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Quote:
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager


The "little too... little more" bit here bothered me. Oh, and looking at it, it seems as though you left out the second L in the first little, which I hadn't noticed until just now.

I did notice that "complimentary" is spelled with an "a," not an "o," unless you're making some British political pun that I don't understand. Also in the line, "survive it's vicarious evils," are you referring to the mirror's vicarious evils, as I want to parse it? In that case, it's "its," the singular, gender-neutral, possessive pronoun, equivalent to his, hers, or theirs, none of which take an apostrophe. You can also parse that bit, though, as "I, too, remain wild as the ravenous lying animal I meet each morning in the mirror and survive. It is vicarious evils to expose my naked-self like this for you," which is also interesting...

Anyway, I'm just pointing out insignificant typos, and this poem rocked my world. Beautiful. Lovely.

peace

Last edited by Nilchii : 03-24-2009 at 07:21 AM.
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Old 03-23-2009, 04:54 PM   #12
ottoavist
is harming feelings.
 
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freshtunes i'm honored.
thank you guys very much.
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- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
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Old 03-23-2009, 04:57 PM   #13
DigUpHerBones
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This is good.

Not like I want to lose Kent, but I challenge you to write a piece without the use of the word 'cigarette' or any form of it.
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Old 03-23-2009, 05:04 PM   #14
ottoavist
is harming feelings.
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DigUpHerBones
I challenge you to write a piece without the use of the word 'cigarette' or any form of it.
*holds nuts due to painful verbal impact* how dare you, Katherine...

i'll write something tonight.
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There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
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Old 03-23-2009, 05:05 PM   #15
DigUpHerBones
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ottoavist
*holds nuts due to painful verbal impact* how dare you, Katherine...

i'll write something tonight.


I know it's hard, yeah, but you've got to control the addiction. Words can be harder than nicotine I'll look forward to it.
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