Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 06-17-2009, 03:46 PM   #1
Wednesday Bass
UG's big hairy bassist
 
Wednesday Bass's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: That 60 mile gap between Newcastle and Scotland that no one cares about
[WIP] Hello My Friend

Back story:
On Saturday night/Sunday morning, my friend was giving people lifts home after their night out. He flipped his car and hit a tree and died. This came about from this incident.
Quote:
Verse 1
Hello my friend,
I’ve waited here for you.
Goodbye my friend,
It’s been good to see you too.

Chorus
Down by your tree,
I pray it wasn’t you.
My heart is upside down,
But I know we’ll all get through.
Your memory,
We’ll never forget.
Please come home,
I know that you regret.

Verse 2
Hello my friend,
What’s happening with you?
Goodbye my friend,
You’ve got life to pursue.

Chorus

Verse 3
Hello my friend,
The course won’t be the same.
Goodbye my friend,
I’ll always know your name.
Chorus x2

It's a work in progress and it's only taken me the past hour or so to write all this. As always, C4C.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyV
"What? you dont' like getting ass-plowed by ninjas?"
"No."
"Why not?"

Would you really have to have a reason?


Lyrics:
Hello My Friend
Lie To Me
Wednesday Bass is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-17-2009, 04:39 PM   #2
kool98769
The Muffin Man...
 
kool98769's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: my houze
I would switch...
Your memory,
We’ll never forget.
Please come home,
I know that you regret.
to
Please come home,
I know that you regret.
Your memory,
We’ll never forget.

I think forget is a bit of a better line to end on.

Also, i'm not sure why, but the first part in Verse 2 just doesn't do it for me. I would change "What’s happening with you?" to something a bit more meaningful. It kinda sounds like lyrical filler.

Of course though, that is just my opinion. I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.

c4c?
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1137721
__________________
Gear:
Ibanez RG550 20th RFR
Traynor YCV50
Fender FMT HH Tele
Mesa Boogie 2ch Triple Rectifier
2 1x12 custom Theile cabs
ISP Decimator
Krank Kranshaft
Boss BF-2 Flanger
BBE Sonic Maximizer
kool98769 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-17-2009, 04:56 PM   #3
Wednesday Bass
UG's big hairy bassist
 
Wednesday Bass's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: That 60 mile gap between Newcastle and Scotland that no one cares about
The "What's happening with you" part in Verse 2 was meant to sound like I was talking to him. In fact, all of the verses were meant to sound like I was talking to him.
And thinking about what you're saying in the chorus, I think that would work better. I was just writing it down as it came to me.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyV
"What? you dont' like getting ass-plowed by ninjas?"
"No."
"Why not?"

Would you really have to have a reason?


Lyrics:
Hello My Friend
Lie To Me
Wednesday Bass is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-17-2009, 07:11 PM   #4
stealer42
UG's Libertarian
 
stealer42's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Shadow Moses.. sneaking around in a box
First of all I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.. I could never publish anything about such a horrible experience. On to the piece =) I can't say I love the verse chorus verse chorus style but that's just me. The piece is quite short to me but the only thing I would change besides what's already been stated is the last line where I would say "I'll always remember your name"

EDIT: C4C would be much appreciated =)
__________________
Remember, this too will pass.

"My greatest fear in all the world was to be misunderstood"-Great Expectations

Last edited by stealer42 : 06-17-2009 at 07:12 PM.
stealer42 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-17-2009, 08:34 PM   #5
UVER
Faiz.
 
UVER's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Like ^ said, i would change the last line to ""I'll always remember your name".

I'm sorry about the lost of your friend... that really sucks. =/
UVER is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-17-2009, 08:44 PM   #6
Fender/marshall
Registered User
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
I think its pretty good. But some of the suggestions above might work.

c4c?

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1145511
Fender/marshall is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-17-2009, 09:23 PM   #7
rd93
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Do what stealer42 said. I would also change the first line of the chorus to "Down by the tree" or "Down by that tree", since you refer to it as "his" tree but then pray it wasn't him, if you know what I mean. Just a personal preference, but I would lengthen the verses as well... Sorry to hear about your friend. Please C4C the work in my sig, if you would like.
__________________
c4c:
scars
catalyst

my photography:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/a_night_without_cars/
rd93 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-17-2009, 10:43 PM   #8
Ebshabutiee
Etceteranough
 
Ebshabutiee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ct
It is a sweet, memoir to your friend. I personally cannot critique this, because no matter what, you are writing from a point of view of actually expressing something meaningful. Which is in every right impressive. I guess, I could provide future advice though. AS you pursue poetry, song, what ever. Stray away from the cutesy rhyming. Use more daring vocabulary, and explore the different creative ways you can say something. I actually hope to see more pieces from you, I always enjoy seeing a writer who really writes using raw emotion and experience.

If you would, you don't even have to crit, a simple read through and comment on whether you liked it or not would suffice. linkitylinklink!
__________________
this one is for you.
Ebshabutiee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-19-2009, 01:46 PM   #9
Wednesday Bass
UG's big hairy bassist
 
Wednesday Bass's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: That 60 mile gap between Newcastle and Scotland that no one cares about
Quote:
Originally Posted by rd93
Do what stealer42 said. I would also change the first line of the chorus to "Down by the tree" or "Down by that tree", since you refer to it as "his" tree but then pray it wasn't him, if you know what I mean. Just a personal preference, but I would lengthen the verses as well... Sorry to hear about your friend. Please C4C the work in my sig, if you would like.

The reason I put "your tree" is due to the fact that the tree he crashed into is now referred to, in the town, to Sam's Tree. It's covered in flowers cards and Sunderland AFC football shirts, notes, photos. It really is incredible. With regards to the verses, I've got music I'm working on alongside the music and I've got 8 bars for the Verses which fits the words perfectly.

EDIT: Also to the people who say change it to "remember your name", I did have that originally but I couldn't fit it into the music I have with this. I changed it to "know your name" because that fits the music I have.

And thanks for the support on losing Sam.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyV
"What? you dont' like getting ass-plowed by ninjas?"
"No."
"Why not?"

Would you really have to have a reason?


Lyrics:
Hello My Friend
Lie To Me

Last edited by Wednesday Bass : 06-19-2009 at 02:04 PM.
Wednesday Bass is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:03 AM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.