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Old 08-12-2009, 12:19 AM   #1
benx3000
Wow, I can get sexual too
 
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Location: My Happy Place, Denver, CO
So this is how it feels

So This Is How It Feels

I meant for this song to have kind of a Thursday feel to it. Enjoy.


I donít want to kiss you
Even in my dreams
I get so afraid
That youíll push me away
And the drums are pounding in my brain
I wish they would just go away
Im not ashamed
Im not ashamed
To KnowÖ (Know!)

So this is how it feels
To be in someone else's skin
This is how it feels
To have to kneel!
kneel, kneel! To the cruel, cruel king
All the faults on me
Now I see (Now I see)
How if feels to be
Empty

And I know you so well
(Know you so well)
Than when you say
I should go straight to hell
I know you donít mean it
And I know you
Well enough
To know when I feel you up
You just donít feel it
Cuz our love is fallin' apart
Its eating up my heart
Itís ending the start
Of a beautiful day
A night
A fight
I cry
No.
Its not a dance
(Not a chance)
No not a chance
Its not a dance well I try
Not to cry
Is it working
Well is it?
Itís mine


So this is how it feels
To be in someone else's skin
This is how it feels
To have to KNEEL!
Kneel, KNEEL! To the cruel, cruel king
All the faults on me
Now I see (Now I see)
How if feels to be
Empty

your the only person I can count on
I don't know what I would do without you

I'm sorry, It just doesn't feel good
I donít want to do it
Iím sorry to have to say
Iím going to cause a scene!
clap our hands and stomp our feet
I'm not going anywhere
Youíre not going anywhere with me
Your everything to me
Please stay. don't go
I've got you now
are you curious?
Donít you want to know?


So this is how it feels
To be in someone else's skin
This is how it feels
To have to KNEEL!
Kneel, KNEEL! To the cruel, cruel king
All the faults on me
Now I see (Now I see)
How if feels to be
Empty

Alone
They stalk the dirty streets
When we are safe
Under our silky sheets
Do you feel guilty?
When youíre with me
Are you nervous?
you should be excited
Since you incited
This day now

I know how it feels
To be in someone else's skin
This is how it feels
To have to KNEEL!
Kneel, KNEEL! To the cruel, cruel king
All the faults on me
Now I see (Now I see)
How if feels to be
Empty

Last edited by benx3000 : 08-15-2009 at 10:05 PM.
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Old 08-12-2009, 12:23 AM   #2
the NAB
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Location: New York
really good the verses are good but especially like the chorus
c4c? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...96#post21161796
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Old 08-12-2009, 01:16 AM   #3
PCADriven
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Location: Wisconsin
I liked your peice alot, and there only a few things I would change. Its ok to have background vocals of course, but youn seem to overuse them in certain places. I would make them less common so when the audience hears them they notice something is different and try to identify it. And also, its a tad bit long depending on how fast you plan on playing it.

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Old 08-12-2009, 01:30 AM   #4
AJKane
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Illinois
I agree that the chorus is very strong, and I also second the notion that the backing vocals might be slightly overemphasized. This is easy to do in rock lyrics, believe me. One of my favorite bands is The Police, and sometimes I find myself thinking that even THEY overdid backing vocals. Thanks for the crit man. Keep writing, and don't change ur style it's real rockin man good stuff. Never listened to Thursday but just reading your writing I can completely hear it.
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Old 08-13-2009, 07:51 PM   #5
benx3000
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Location: My Happy Place, Denver, CO
Thanks for all the crit. I plan on playing most of it extremely fast but slow down on the last two verses, and then speed up on the last chorus. I see what you mean about overusing the backup vocals but did i really have that much? just about once every verse. Doesnt seem that much to me but thanks any ways.
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Old 08-14-2009, 06:19 AM   #6
tushmeister
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Location: Cardiff South Wales
It's not bad, I can't quite imagine how it would sound aloud, but that'd be more my fault than yours (I've just woken up, I'm not deadly certain if I'm even say upright ) but I'm sure it would work, I like the repetition of some words carrying to the next line.

However if 'And now for part two' is actually a line, change it, please, that seems the cheapest attempt at a transition I've ever read (without trying to be too rude), it really doesn't work for me.

I'd say it's decent, and would probably be made better if I heard it either read or put to music
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Old 08-14-2009, 07:57 AM   #7
TobyFellrunners
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Thanks for looking in on my piece. I'm in a bit of a rush now so only been able to give your song a skim-read but I'll get back to it later for a proper crit.

From my quick read though, I can see that this is a very strong piece. There seems to be a little over-use of backing vocals but that could just be the way I read it and imagined it sounding in my head. The strongest part is definately the chorus, I think the repetition of the word 'Kneel' is a good piece of writing.

Anyway sorry for the terrible crit but gotta go, golf to be played lol. Keep up the good work man.
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:09 AM   #8
denizenz
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Quote:
Originally Posted by benx3000
I donít want to kiss you
Even in my dreams
I get so afraid
That youíll push me away
And the drums are pounding in my brain
I wish they would just go away
Im not ashamed
Im not ashamed
To KnowÖ (Know!)
The rhymes here sounds really forced to me: afraid, away, brain, away. The wishing things would go away sounds childish to me as well. Also, there's a lot of repeated content as you've written "away", "ashamed", and "know" twice each.

So this is how it feels
To be in someone elses skin
This is how it feels
To have to kneel!
kneel, kneel! To the cruel, cruel king
All the faults on me
Now I see (Now I see)
How if feels to be
Empty
I don't know that elses is a word, neither do Marriam and Webster, but, if it is, it is certainly possessive: else's. More repeated content...lots of feeling, kneeling, and a very cruel ruler. Got it.

And I know you so well
(Know you so well)
Than when you say
That
I should go straight to hell
I know you donít mean it
And I know you
Well enough
To know when I feel you up
You just donít feel it
Cuz our love is fallin apart
Its eating up my heart
Itís ending the start
Of a beautiful day
A night
A fight
I cry
No.
Its not a dance
(Not a chance)
No not a chance
Its not a dance well I try
Not to cry
Is it working
Well is it?
Itís mine


So this is how it feels
To be in someone elses skin
This is how it feels
To have to KNEEL!
Kneel, KNEEL! To the cruel, cruel king
All the faults on me
Now I see (Now I see)
How if feels to be
Empty

your the only person I can count on
I don't know what I would do without you
And now for part two

I'm sorry, I just don't feel good
I donít want to do it
Iím sorry to have to say
Iím going to cause a scene!
clap our hands and stomp our feet
I'm not going anywhere
Youíre not going anywhere with me
Your everything to me
Please stay. don't go
I've got you now
are you curious?
Donít you want to know?
I like this stanza. The first two lines sound childish to me again, but the rest is gold. Good scansion and some meaningful imagery.

So this is how it feels
To be in someone elses skin
This is how it feels
To have to KNEEL!
Kneel, KNEEL! To the cruel, cruel king
All the faults on me
Now I see (Now I see)
How if feels to be
Empty

Alone
They stalk the dirty streets
When we are safe
Under our silky sheets
Do you feel guilty?
When youíre with me
Are you nervous?
you should be excited
Since you incited
This day when
Another good stanza, but I feel that it builds to nothing. When what? I have a hard time transitioning from here to the next line. Maybe it's just me.

I knew how it feels Knew is past while feels is present.
To be in someone elses skin
This is how it feels
To have to KNEEL!
Kneel, KNEEL! To the cruel, cruel king
All the faults on me
Now I see (Now I see)
How if feels to be
Empty

...
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