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Old 08-13-2009, 03:37 PM   #1
denizenz
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Malaikat Maut

This is an excerpt from a writing project I've recently begun. C4C: Just leave a link to your piece.


Feeling tired and seeking a moment's rest, you sit alone with your thoughts when your subconscious alerts you to another presence, and you turn to find the sobbing spirit of a female child. As she looks at you with forlorn sadness, fear and confusion contort her once innocent features and tears well behind her incorporeal eyes. As she begins to weep, you hear the pleading cries of not one but one-million such lost souls and share in their suffering as the burden of their untimely deaths lay upon your heart. You avert your eyes, hardening your conscience against the tragedies of this world, until once again...all is silent.

You reopen your eyes to discover that the ghostly girl has vanished to be replaced by a shadowy man.

At once you are struck by the stark contrast between the pale of his skin, the white of his eyes, and his deep black irises. Pupil and iris mingle producing pristine pools, which you imagine recind into the dark reaches of his innermost being or perhaps, unsettlingly, your own. Although he exudes a quiet confidence, you sense that brimming just beneath those black spheres there exists in him a profound anguish and lamentation, such that it nearly pains you to stand in his presence. As you focus on those lightless orbs, you feel momentarily lost and they envelop your perception. Like singularities they seemingly consume all surrounding sights and sounds, and you are gripped by an uncanny fear of isolation. It is as if all that now remains in this universe is your consciousness, spinning silently amidst an infinite expanse of starless space.

And as quickly as it had faded...

...reality returns.
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Last edited by denizenz : 08-13-2009 at 04:14 PM.
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Old 08-13-2009, 04:02 PM   #2
SomeoneYouKnew
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I couldn't read past the first paragraph. You had 13~14 thoughts spliced into 4 sentences. It just runs on and on. Bite-size these into no less than 7. One sentence, one splice, max. Else each sentence becomes a clutter of clauses.
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Old 08-13-2009, 04:10 PM   #3
tushmeister
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It's a very impressive display of vocabulary for sure! You did, however (just to be a right pain) spell 'infinite' wrong towards the end there

I like it, at least, I like the idea behind it, since it's an except I may be wrong to say this but it could do with expansion, particularly in the middle between the two 'visions' where it seems to just say 'that's gone, here's this', either that or, where you have the middle sentence, shorten it to suggest a blinking motion, that quick snap from one to the other. That'd be my idea anyway, I'd like to see more of this


EDIT Another thing with the middle sentence, that I couldn't quite put to words a moment ago. Where you describe him as a shady man steals from the impact of the description, to me at least the word shady carries several descriptive factors, so as soon as I see the word I make my own image, to then go onto describe him has less of an impact.

Again though, might just be me
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Last edited by tushmeister : 08-13-2009 at 04:27 PM.
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Old 08-13-2009, 04:21 PM   #4
denizenz
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Thanks tush. I agree that it's an awkward change, and to be honest it's not meant to be read as a continuous piece. I'm thinking about writing it into a sort of "choose your own adventure" thing. Likely a flash game or a website.

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Originally Posted by SomeoneYouKnew
I couldn't read past the first paragraph. You had 13~14 thoughts spliced into 4 sentences. It just runs on and on. Bite-size these into no less than 7. One sentence, one splice, max. Else each sentence becomes a clutter of clauses.

I like to joke that I take the Charles Dickens approach to sentence structure. I'm not changing that portion of it, so I suppose you'll just never be able to read past the first few run-on sentences.
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Old 08-13-2009, 07:34 PM   #5
benx3000
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I agree that it had a kind of long feel to it. I think you should chop the paragraphs up into like 2 or 3. But if you dont want to, then you dont have to. I didnt really like the first paragraph, as I thought it was kinda slow. But I like the last paragraph a lot. Really vivid imagery i can just imagine him. The ending I also loved. I loved how it built up suspense and THEN... it stops. Great piece. would like to hear more of you. One of those times would be on my piece:
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1180982
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:11 AM   #6
denizenz
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Thanks for the feedback. I just finished a crit on your piece.
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