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Old 10-27-2009, 11:40 PM   #1
SubwayToVenus
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sunspots

not much chance, she sits
like a sunspot
in her canary dress,
but we are all imperfect
and we are all disappointments,
remember that your retina will burn
if you concentrate too hard.
but my eyes speak of death,
but not in the natural verity of dying
it's more of a resignation
of this lonely orbiter around a girl

not much left, she sits
like a sunspot
with her yellow smile
and we've all decayed
and we've all had a part of us die
before we were ready.
and these days i dream that you dream of me
and these nights i see the stars seeing me
so much more perfect than she
can ever dream of being.
and my eyes scream of death, they plead
for some relief, some refuge
from the darkness seeping into me.
no more
realities, feelings,
possibilities,
just memories
bright light from a distant star
taking years to reach me
finally.

finally.



not much chance, she sits
like a sunspot
in her canary dress
and as she wakes,
i find some place for a little rest
and i find some place where I'm my best
and i need not ever pretend
that I never saw your imperfections
and maybe my eyes speak of death
but they whisper something else,
something i can barely comprehend,
that is until the night comes, it says
that there are worse things
than being with someone wrong
but there is nothing worse
than missing out
on the right one.
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Last edited by SubwayToVenus : 10-30-2009 at 12:52 AM.
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Old 10-27-2009, 11:45 PM   #2
Snowblind 911
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i liked this a lot.
thank you.
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Old 10-28-2009, 08:44 AM   #3
ZanasCross
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SubwayToVenus
not much chance, she sits
like a sunspot
in her canary dress,
but we are all imperfect
and we are all disappointments,
remember that your retina will burn
if you concentrate too hard.
but my eyes speak of death,
but not in the natural verity of dying
it's more of a resignation
of this lonely orbiter around a girl
with a lemon taste,
just not brilliant enough to reach my vast
recesses.

I was really with this until the last three lines. The seemed to come out of nowhere, like you really wanted to throw in the "taste" line and to be honest it struck me as tacked on and much less sincere and necessary than the rest. I'd have preferred if you ended on "around a girl" as it drives home the necessary info and gives it a very firm stopping point.

and it's taken me a lot of guesses,
many nights following a star with dim eyes,
acid swirling in my saliva
to comprehend my universe,
and the stretches of nothingness
between me and
the people i've loved.

I also thought this whole stanza was unnecessary. I don't feel like it delivered anything more than what the last two lines gave me. The rest was superfluous and distracting from the real point of this stanza. I could see you tucking a simplified version of this whole idea onto stanza three and dropping this all together. I think it would deliver a greater coherency and strength to the ideas of the piece, instead of picking them apart and spacing them out with empty images.

still
not much chance, she sits
like a sunspot
in a canary dress, while the night echoes
and it says that there are worse things
than being with someone wrong
but there is nothing worse
than missing out
on the right one.

This was pretty good as well; good strength in delivery. Makes me a bit sad that most of the content of the piece was wholly in the last two lines. This wasn't personalized... it was a proverb. You set up this beautiful set in the first stanza and then never really touch it again. Like if a movie director had a crew set up a whole city just for his personal use and then he filmed the entire production in Los Angeles. Seemed like a waste of content. You could have just given me this third stanza and I wouldn't have felt like I was missing anything; which doesn't speak volumes about the coherence of the piece. I loved the first and third parts separately; i just wish they could have been tied together.


I really really enjoyed your setup in stanza one and the word play you delivered; but sadly I felt like it all went down hill from there. It turned into a "modern" proverb that didn't really play on your strengths or the scenes you'd developed.

I'd appreciate at least a bump and some thoughts on Evening Dew in my sig.

Zach
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Old 10-28-2009, 03:29 PM   #4
CarnivalBeam
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SubwayToVenus
not much chance, she sits
like a sunspot
in her canary dress,
but we are all imperfect
and we are all disappointments,
remember that your retina will burn
if you concentrate too hard.
but my eyes speak of death,
but not in the natural verity of dying
it's more of a resignation
of this lonely orbiter around a girl
with a lemon taste,
just not brilliant enough to reach my vast
recesses.

I agree with zana on this stanza, the last three lines I guess I understand but am not as positive as I was with the rest of it.

and it's taken me a lot of guesses,
many nights following a star with dim eyes,
acid swirling in my saliva
to comprehend my universe,
and the stretches of nothingness
between me and
the people i've loved.

I liked this stanza, and can relate to it word for word. My only quibble is the acid line. To me its almost likoe you wrote this beautiful stanza THEN dropped the acid line right square in the middle. I too had a huge growth in understanding the universe, life, and the overall size of everything any human knows when I first dropped a few tabs on my tongue but that line just doesnt fit to me. I could probably realte lsd to this stanza/experience without any reference to it but thats probably just me, but idk that line is a square peg in a round hole to me. Other then that one line, very beautiful stanza.

still
not much chance, she sits
like a sunspot
in a canary dress, while the night echoes
and it says that there are worse things
than being with someone wrong
but there is nothing worse
than missing out
on the right one.


the last stanza was by far my favorite and I wouldnt change any of it.


all in all the best piece ive read on here in awhile. congrats and keep em coming!
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Old 10-28-2009, 05:00 PM   #5
culex-knight
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yes sir
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じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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Old 10-29-2009, 12:03 PM   #6
hippieboy444
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I really like all of this poem, although the first was by far the most personal. The other two were fantastic but they just didn't have the emotionality the first did.
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:56 AM   #7
SubwayToVenus
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thanks for all the suggestions and crits guys. i edited it, kinda did a rehaul of the last two stanzas. not sure if it's any better, it could be worse but i like it better this way.

zanas, i'll get to yours soon as i can. anyone else, please leave links or tell me a piece you'd like me to look at. i'd be more than happy to
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Old 10-31-2009, 10:26 AM   #8
DigUpHerBones
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better edited
but not nearly as enjoyable as you used to be. I was actually quite disappointed, having not been on UG for a month or so, to come back and see you've melded in with the rest. The topic is worn; go buy yourself a new topic, or at least a few new accessories. The tone is the UG tone, not what you used to have.
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Last edited by DigUpHerBones : 10-31-2009 at 10:30 AM.
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Old 10-31-2009, 02:47 PM   #9
streetcarp19
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Location: Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: a premeditated murder of minutes. The violence comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish.
I like the confusion you give the protaganist in this, from the various lines that you say one thing, and then in the next, turn around and say the opposite. Whether it was intentional or not, it gives off a similar type of behavior i have observed in both others and myself in similar situations. A typical type of subject matter, but I liked it more than most like this.
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