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Old 12-26-2009, 03:27 AM   #1
Ninjamonkey767
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conflict

this has been bugging me a whole lot recently, so i just wanted to write about it. ots, because im not sleeping on this and its too late to edit. forgive me for any arrogance i display. you know the drill: punish me!

conflict


the art of the argument:
a delicate balance between
sonic satisfaction, observation
and leaving no stone unturned.
and when that player hits all the right notes,
it's nothing but pure art.
and like all mediums of expression,
speaking has since been used for its own sake,
a vehicle driven to for the sake of the purrrr.
the objective, almost lost.
because quick lips flutter, flail and fail when they say
"the best thing to do is to shut up"

it's all a game to me,
and i play to win.

so if you see me allow
some prick the senate floor,
it's because he's expendable,
and not worth fighting for.
and if you are taking bets
on who is now to blame,
i want no part of your little
game within a game.
and if a lover hates a kind,
then hate them so will i.
i wear whatever belief i must
to win the ending prize.
and if you say "there is no god",
then truth be given to you.
but if you say i've won the game,
that day, you'll surely lose.

putting someone in their place is cute and all,
but it doesn't work.
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Old 12-26-2009, 03:01 PM   #2
vintage x metal
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Flow in the second large stanza is superb. This is good for an ots but the poem doesn't seem to do justice to what it's trying to say... I feel like there's a struggle between the message and the words given, and granted your situation that makes sense

i'll come back to this and pick through if you'd like
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Old 01-07-2010, 06:42 PM   #3
jiminizzle
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sorry im such an asshole and put off even a little comment so long.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ninjamonkey767
this has been bugging me a whole lot recently, so i just wanted to write about it. ots, because im not sleeping on this and its too late to edit. forgive me for any arrogance i display. you know the drill: punish me!

conflict


the art of the argument:
a delicate balance between
sonic satisfaction sonic satisfaction sounds a little weak. it doesnt add much in return for the awkwardness of the placement , observation
and leaving no stone unturned.
and when that player hits all the right notes,
it's nothing but pure art.
and like all mediums of expression,
speaking has since been used for its own sake,
a vehicle driven to i think you meant to leave out the "to" to my left here for the sake of the purrrr. like this
the objective, almost lost.
because quick lips flutter, flail and fail when they say
"the best thing to do is to shut up"

it's all a game to me,
and i play to win. here is where it sounds like you really dont have your heart in this. just reverting to an amateur tone. like a lot of the less tactful songs posted on here. its too cliche especiallly separated and emphasized as it is

so if you see me allow
some prick the senate floor,
it's because he's expendable,
and not worth fighting for.
and if you are taking bets
on who is now to blame,
i want no part of your little
game within a game.
and if a lover hates a kind,
then hate them so will i.
i wear whatever belief i must
to win the ending prize.
and if you say "there is no god",
then truth be given to you.
but if you say i've won the game,
that day, you'll surely lose. ive heard this too many times to appreciate the thought as much as i would like too.

putting someone in their place is cute and all,
but it doesn't work. i like this because it plays a little bit of irony out with the narrator needing to be put in his place a little bit and you acknwledge that here which is good.


this just didnt seem very tasteful to me. its develops a bit and stays focused on a topic in a way but it doesnt accomplish anything. Argument is an artform but do I believe you at the end? not really. not because of this piece at least. I just dont think this was much beyond fun for you. which is fine. it just didnt get much done thats all. hope you had a good holiday. thanks for your time on mine. ill try to be more constructive on another one down the road. see ya
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