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Old 03-02-2015, 08:44 PM   #1
#1 synth
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Fireflies 15

Drinking with you in the snow
I catch my arm muscle
Against your eyelash
Tight young bellies
Sky in rear view
Lantern, redness
Your exposed breast
Catching flakes melting
Firefly catcher
You'll always have your name to me
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Old 03-04-2015, 06:34 AM   #2
brokencoastline
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The first three lines are enough to make me expect narrative, and what comes after (and even in those first three lines upon reflection) is much more fragmented than that.

In a way that makes it seem deceptive. I thought it was a scene but it's more like a montage. Of course once I let go of what I expected, I see how that moment with the snowflakes brings about the end and the only instance of permanence, which is what seems central.

So that fragmented structure feels like it's meant to highlight the permanence of a name, and if that's what you wanted I think it does it well. I just wonder if those first lines could seem less connected.
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Old 03-15-2015, 09:25 PM   #3
Ganoosh
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Very nice, reminds me a little bit of Imagism.
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Old 03-22-2015, 11:39 PM   #4
less than that
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brokencoastline
The first three lines are enough to make me expect narrative, and what comes after (and even in those first three lines upon reflection) is much more fragmented than that.

In a way that makes it seem deceptive. I thought it was a scene but it's more like a montage. Of course once I let go of what I expected, I see how that moment with the snowflakes brings about the end and the only instance of permanence, which is what seems central.

So that fragmented structure feels like it's meant to highlight the permanence of a name, and if that's what you wanted I think it does it well. I just wonder if those first lines could seem less connected.

I was at first inclined to agree. But there's really nothing after the first three lines to suggest it's not a narrative-- which is still how I see it.

I love the first line. I get tripped up on the second because the arm has multiple muscles. Could you pick one to give clearer imagery? I see tricep though I'm not sure why.
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Old 03-23-2015, 09:41 PM   #5
Inty
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The fragmentation got me too on the first read, but after the second read, I felt it. It's lovely. To agree on the muscles being a bit strange, but you know what that line means to you.
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