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Old 09-07-2014, 04:26 PM   #1
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Mrrula's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2014

Yesterday we felt too old to be together,
Nowadays we don't need to be young.
These are the things, I would like to stay forever,
But here we are and forever cannot last.

Yesterday we've lost ourselves in our eyes,
Nowadays what we're losing's just our minds.
There were words that we've said to feel better,
But better is just not good enough.

Though the water's rough
I know your heart is though
But, my dear, there is no rush
What is golden cannot crash...
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Old 09-07-2014, 09:58 PM   #2
big gay celadon crocodile
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Fat and Easy, Georgia, America
Hey! You did a really good job in most places avoiding any forced rhymes. Everything seemed pretty natural as far as that goes.

I'm not sure I really like that very last line, because it just doesn't seem to make very much sense. If there's something specific you were trying to convey, I think you should rework the rest of the piece to help tie some more things into that last line and give it a little bit of context. If you were just looking for a way to assure that this love is destined for success because it's true or whatever, then that was just meh. Try to come up with something that you can work into an entire theme; that way every stanza moves things along until you arrive at that final sentiment, and it will make everything more immediately meaningful for you. Hopefully this wasn't too vague of advice! Good job though, keep writing.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
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Old 09-07-2014, 10:19 PM   #3
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: SC
I have to agree with what Ganoosh said. The last line just seemed weird to me. Maybe do something simpler like "we are golden"...? a little cliche I suppose.
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Old 09-12-2014, 06:10 AM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Really good!!
I'm a recent member here! Trying to read all the lyrics that others are posted! I just wonder how much skilled all are! How simply and meaningfully all writing the poems!
Just amazing..!!
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