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Old 03-31-2010, 12:45 PM   #1
Lou108
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Join Date: Jan 2007
poison in the well

As the debt spirals out of control
So does the need for a whole lot more
Living with one foot in the grave
Doesnít seem to be a way to save you

The lies flow from your mouth like rapid rivers
They begin so small but in no time they ruin lives
You canít stop yourself, you canít control yourself
Almost as if you donít want to save yourself

Your hand trembles as you reach for the glass
A manic liquid made of many things
You swallow the acid but it no longer burns
You swallow the acid but it no longer burns

Your thirst
Destroys the family
Like poison in the well |-----chorus
Your thirst
Destroys the family
Like fire sent from hell
You destroy the family
You destroy the family

No health
No wealth
No life
No chance

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey guys first time putting a song up here, please be as critical as you want to be.

C4C,
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Old 03-31-2010, 05:48 PM   #2
greyeyedfire
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Location: Austin
Strange,
many of the lines seemed a tad on the cliche, but worded just different enough to remain interesting
I wouldn't call this an instant classic, but if you're new to this, you definitely show some talent
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Old 04-05-2010, 12:18 AM   #3
Aeolian Harmony
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I thought the first verse was interesting. The second and third line almost blend together - "...need for a whole lot more/Living with one foot in the grave". Two thoughts interconnected; "A whole lot more living.

Line two of verse three has something of a flowing murmur due to the repeated 'm' sound. The hard 'c' in "liquid" interrupts the flowing ever so slightly, and a synonym might be appropriate. Of course, the double 'i' in liquid corresponds with the 'i' in "things" at the end of the line, so it might not be a blip after all.

It's a promising start.
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Old 04-05-2010, 03:05 AM   #4
themarsvolta
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Location: Illinois
Let me just say that I wish my first piece was as good as this. Anyways, I enjoyed this piece, especially the subject matter. However, the words "manic liquid" really bother me. I just don't think its descriptive or forceful enough. Maybe "soothing poison"? Not sure. Also, this maybe me but I was expecting/hoping for a line about oceans in the second stanza. Maybe something like "soon they turn to oceans that seperate" as the second line of that stanza. It ties in with the river thing. Just my two cents. Anyways, nice job and I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
Death Perception
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