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Old 05-24-2010, 08:48 AM   #1
denizenz
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the fourth

in the silence of night
it was early June
as we said goodbye
i touched your face
so pristine
in the pale moonlight
and your grace
made me feel
that youíre too perfect to be mine
iím sorry
i donít remember what we said
just your silhouette
against a bed of stars
and life will never be as pretty
as it was just then
just before the world turned red
in the taillight of your car
but even if
the emerald in your eyes
no longer shines
iíll see you as you were
not as you are
youíll always be that moonlit girl to me
as if the clock had stopped at four
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Old 05-25-2010, 07:41 AM   #2
Dan_5893
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Quote:
Originally Posted by denizenz
in the silence of night
it was early June
as we said goodbye
i touched your face
so pristine
in the pale moonlight
and your grace
made me feel
that youíre too perfect to be mine
iím sorry
i donít remember what we said
just your silhouette
against a bed of stars
and life will never be as pretty
as it was just then
just before the world turned red
in the taillight of your car
but even if
the emerald in your eyes
no longer shines
iíll see you as you were
not as you are
youíll always be that moonlit girl to me
as if the clock had stopped at four


I like the imagery in this piece. Very well placed metaphors, and very rich description. I like how you avoided using "diamond in your eyes" or "star in your eyes" - both rather cliche, and instead used emerald - does this person have green eyes? This is one of several lines that may allow more in depth readings of the piece.

The sad overtones of this piece create an overwhelming sense of empathy - I don't know if this is true or not, but it certainly could be, and I can relate to the piece just because of the fact it is so "realistically authentic" with the emotions and description.

Just a minor grammatical note - Capitalise the I's and You's. Otherwise this is good.


Nice piece mate, enjoyed reading it, and enjoyed the thoughts it provoked.
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Old 05-26-2010, 02:53 PM   #3
denizenz
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Thank you.

This is about an actual event, and the girl does have the most fantastic green eyes I have ever seen.
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Old 05-26-2010, 03:38 PM   #4
CaptMorgan
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I started reading, and after the first line I couldn't have stopped if I had wanted to. Nothing about this was overly complicated, yet I was deeply moved by everything you said. I seriously don't think there is anyway to improve this. Looking forward to you're next piece.
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Old 05-31-2010, 11:25 AM   #5
cut.cord.coeur
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This is simply beautiful.
You really know how to describe the situation very vividly.
What moved me the most was the part with "your silhouette against a bed of stars".
"Taillight of your car" is also wonderful.
The atmosphere you create is something I can really good relate to.
Keep up the great work.
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