05-24-2010, 08:48 AM
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#1 |
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A man among gods.
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Far beyond the sun.
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the fourth
in the silence of night
it was early June as we said goodbye i touched your face so pristine in the pale moonlight and your grace made me feel that you’re too perfect to be mine i’m sorry i don’t remember what we said just your silhouette against a bed of stars and life will never be as pretty as it was just then just before the world turned red in the taillight of your car but even if the emerald in your eyes no longer shines i’ll see you as you were not as you are you’ll always be that moonlit girl to me as if the clock had stopped at four
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Leader of the Sarcasm Gestapo. PM me to be laughed at and denied admission. Recent Writing: This One Locke and Keynes Love like a morning mist Wearing our souls The fourth |
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05-25-2010, 07:41 AM
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#2 | |
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Interdit
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Purf, 'Straya
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Quote:
I like the imagery in this piece. Very well placed metaphors, and very rich description. I like how you avoided using "diamond in your eyes" or "star in your eyes" - both rather cliche, and instead used emerald - does this person have green eyes? This is one of several lines that may allow more in depth readings of the piece. The sad overtones of this piece create an overwhelming sense of empathy - I don't know if this is true or not, but it certainly could be, and I can relate to the piece just because of the fact it is so "realistically authentic" with the emotions and description. Just a minor grammatical note - Capitalise the I's and You's. Otherwise this is good. Nice piece mate, enjoyed reading it, and enjoyed the thoughts it provoked.
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05-26-2010, 02:53 PM
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#3 |
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A man among gods.
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Far beyond the sun.
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Thank you.
This is about an actual event, and the girl does have the most fantastic green eyes I have ever seen.
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Leader of the Sarcasm Gestapo. PM me to be laughed at and denied admission. Recent Writing: This One Locke and Keynes Love like a morning mist Wearing our souls The fourth |
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05-26-2010, 03:38 PM
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#4 |
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Dragging ass through life
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: In a cocoon opposite of Cancun, where it is never sunny, the dark side of the moon
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I started reading, and after the first line I couldn't have stopped if I had wanted to. Nothing about this was overly complicated, yet I was deeply moved by everything you said. I seriously don't think there is anyway to improve this. Looking forward to you're next piece.
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And I'm trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
When I finally get it figured out
I've changed the whole damn plan Modest Mouse enjoy the peace and quiet Haiku #2 Pioneer |
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05-31-2010, 11:25 AM
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#5 |
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violator
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Germany
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This is simply beautiful.
You really know how to describe the situation very vividly. What moved me the most was the part with "your silhouette against a bed of stars". "Taillight of your car" is also wonderful. The atmosphere you create is something I can really good relate to. Keep up the great work. |
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