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Old 05-27-2010, 08:43 AM   #1
denizenz
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Wearing our souls (OTS)

“Pick up the pace”, I hear you say the ten-thousandth time,
so I sprint a minute until we’re side-by-side.
You check our time and speak of here and now,
and, though your voice is like a dream to me,
I’m intent on watching as these
yellow lines blur with white clouds;
turning tight rounds as they spiral out
from where the sky meets the ground.
And, as you tell me everything you need,
I wonder what we'll see when we reach the end.
Will the earth bend and continue on again
or abruptly stop?
“Don’t look back”, I think as I catch my breath,
and up ahead I can’t help but watch
as your hair sways at its shoulder length
in unison with the golden rays
of the sun as it rises on the horizon.
I run till I’ve caught up again
and maintain my thoughts:
perhaps, if we move fast enough,
impetus will stay with us
and we’ll keep a straight line.
And we’ll blur with white clouds
as we go hurtling out
and leave this place behind.
Then I hear, “pick up the pace have you heard me talking”,
and I reply, “I’m hurt and tired but don't stop walking”.
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Last edited by denizenz : 06-01-2010 at 11:05 AM.
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Old 05-27-2010, 10:43 AM   #2
JacKofAces91
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The first four lines were spectacular. If you're going to write this as a full song, I would definitely recommend using that as a chorus or something that repeats. It's too beautiful not to.

I can't tell what the relationship between you and the person up ahead is. I imagine its a beautiful woman. Perhaps elaborate more on whether she is a lover, tour guide, or maybe a combination of the two. I relate to this because my girlfriend has been my spiritual tour guide on more than one occasion.

I really like the imagery of a man who is walking behind his girlfriend who's hiking a difficult nature trail. She's too focused on the physical task at hand, while he daydreams and thinks to himself about how beautiful the world is. I would have liked more words to convey the beautiful imagery that this piece might imply. Try describing colors and words that excite the senses.

I like the last quote because of the soulfulness of it. The two quotes together form a great rhythm and rhyme scheme.

Did I get it right?
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Old 05-27-2010, 02:38 PM   #3
miloh.core
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interesting imagery.

very beuno.
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Old 05-30-2010, 07:18 PM   #4
SubwayToVenus
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If there is anything I can suggest for this piece it would be to build up your characters a bit more. As JackofAces mentioned, there's an interesting dynamic between the woman and the narrator in how she is ahead of him, pushing him forward. She appears to be strong, determined, and in control of the relationship while the narrator is equally determined but is somewhat faltering and lagging.

Now I would like to know the details, the grit and meat of their relationship. Why is she ahead of him and seemingly so much stronger? Why is the narrator lagging? What events have they encountered on their journey down this road?

What you have here is, most importantly, a solid foundation. And if this piece means a lot to you, I would consider editing and revamping it. Keep the content and the themes, just expound upon the imagery, the characters, etc.

Thanks for the kind words on mine. Hope this helps somewhat.
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Old 06-01-2010, 08:47 AM   #5
denizenz
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Thank you, everyone. I can definitely see a need for elaboration as many of the images are understated and the theme overall is unresolved.

Previously my style could best be described as prosetry, so I'm more familiar with thinly veiled metaphor and over-explained passages. I'll expand on this and hopefully find a nice balance.
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Old 06-01-2010, 11:10 AM   #6
denizenz
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I apologize for the double post. I've made some heavy edits in order to do a bit more character/theme building. I thought about reposting this, but the original was still on the first page. I'm still unsure of it...so all feedback is welcome.
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Love like a morning mist
Wearing our souls
The fourth
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Old 06-01-2010, 03:55 PM   #7
Chaingarden
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This is cool. I like the meat behind the piece, but I would suggest cutting some fat. Some of the pictures painted are great, but there are a lot of phrases that I feel don't need to be there. That in conjunction with adding uncommon imagery would really bring this piece to life. Surreal imagery can add a certain level of curiosity in the reader. Just as an example...

"...of the sun as it rises on the horizon"

to

"...of the sun as it sheepishly peeks over the Andes, hoping the moon's found somewhere else to play"

It gives a bit of character to a detail in the picture that's otherwise drab, or acts as background noise. Again, not necessarily just adding more words, but adding more color and animation. You've got a gem here, you'd just do well to coax a little more out of it. Great job.
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Old 06-03-2010, 08:23 AM   #8
ZanasCross
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I haven't read other critiques, forgive me if I repeat.

As I read through this, I felt like it was simply a foundation for a story... it lacks the details and subtleties that make the characters really come to life. You painted a beautiful backdrop for your characters... but then you left your characters as stick figures. They're lacking color and shape and definition... they feel flat, like cardboard cutouts on Broadway... sure, it tells the story... but its hard to express anything through a mouth that doesn't move and eyes that never furrow. I wanted to know more about your characters...and you really gave me stock "stand-in" characters to convey a story... but you didn't give anymore life to them.

Also, this line was extraordinarily weak: "and up ahead I can’t help but watch." The only action in this line is "watch" but it takes 8 words to get that across.... and the other words add nothing since we already know she's ahead of you. You could have painted more with that line... instead we get almost a "bumbling idiot" sort of feel out of it... which is, imo, not where you meant to go.


Sorry this took so long to get back to you... I've been distracted as of late.

zC
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