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Old 08-26-2014, 04:01 AM   #1
citizencaveman
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Some old jokes

Somebody posted these on Facebook, so I thought I'd copy and share.

Musician Jokes

Twelve-Tone Commercial Joke
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

Q: How do you make musicians complain?
A: Pay them.

Q: How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No one knows, no one ever looks at him.

Q: whats the differance between a pianist and god?
A: god doesn't think he's a pianist

Q: how many drummers does it take to change a light buld?
A: "oops, i broke it!"

Q:Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?
A:Terrorists have sympathizers

Q:How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"

Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do call Bach?
A: Dead.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Two brass players walked out of a bar...

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?
A: A Flat Miner

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: Why was the musician arrested?
A: He was in treble

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.

Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.

Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.

Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.

Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.

Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.

Two drummers walk past a bar...

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.

Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.

Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.

Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
A: "Music Minus One"

Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.

Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Perfect Pitch: When you throw a viola into the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?

Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived?
A: Mozart.

Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.

Q: If you see a conductor and a violist in the middle of the road, who would you run over first?
A: The conductor, business before pleasure.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.

Q: Why can't voice majors have colostomies?
A: Because they can't find shoes to match the bag.

Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.

Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!

Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!

Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.

Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead

Q: What's the definition of optimisim?
A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.

Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up.

Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof

Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose

Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp.

Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
A: Shoot two of them.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and the world revolves around them.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
A: None, they have machines for that now.

Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"

Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?
A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

Q: How do you define a perfect pitch?
A: When the Saxaphone lands in the MIDDLE of the dumpster.

Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds

Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.

Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
A: They're both murder on the high Cs.

Q: A violin and a viola are both in a burning building, in the same room, which burns first?
A: The violin because the viola was in its case.

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a violinist?
A: A dog knows when to quit scratching.

Q: How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

Q: How does one trumpet player greet another?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door ?
A: He speeds up when hes knocking

Q: How many guitar players does it to take to change a lightbulb?
A: 5 .... One to change and 4 to say they could have done it better

Terrible huh?
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Old 08-26-2014, 04:18 AM   #2
whywefight
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A lotttt of those I've heard before but some of them were funny
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Old 08-26-2014, 04:27 AM   #3
Obsceneairwaves
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What do you call this thread?

Lame XD

way too many lightbulb jokes mate
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Old 08-26-2014, 04:28 AM   #4
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"Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend." LOL
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Is the officer going to ask for the butt, so he or she can check whether it is hot?


last.fm
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Old 08-26-2014, 05:09 AM   #5
citizencaveman
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Obsceneairwaves
What do you call this thread?

Lame XD

way too many lightbulb jokes mate

Oh dear, perhaps I wasn't so switched on when I copied and pasted them?
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Old 08-26-2014, 05:26 AM   #6
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Or perhaps you're just not that bright.











Thank you! I'm here all evening, all of next day and probably right up until that point where you've already been really annoyed for quite some time.
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Old 08-26-2014, 05:43 AM   #7
Nelshizzle
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Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

that's messed up
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Old 08-26-2014, 05:54 AM   #8
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Two men walked on the streets. One was a musician and the other had no money either.
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Old 08-26-2014, 06:12 AM   #9
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king khufu called

the 4th dynasty wants your jokes back
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That's right I have a four inch penis.


Now you have no excuse... | On Toni Loomi - Pink Floyd and Jazz
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Old 08-26-2014, 06:15 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by citizencaveman
Q:Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?
A:Terrorists have sympathizers

I have sympathizers







*had

EDIT:
Quote:
Originally Posted by theogonia777
king khufu called

the 4th dynasty wants your jokes back


Fucking hell.
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Last edited by Pastafarian96 : 08-26-2014 at 06:17 AM.
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Old 08-26-2014, 06:40 AM   #11
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You forgot one...

Q: What do Eric Clapton and coffee hae in common?

A: They both suck without cream.
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Old 08-26-2014, 08:15 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maker's marked
You forgot one...

Q: What do Eric Clapton and coffee hae in common?

A: They both suck without cream.


q: what is the difference between eric clapton and god

show
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That's right I have a four inch penis.


Now you have no excuse... | On Toni Loomi - Pink Floyd and Jazz
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Old 08-26-2014, 11:51 AM   #13
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Quote:
Q: Barenboim, Levine and Mehta all went down in a plane crash. Who survived?
A: Mozart.


ooooooohhhhh
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Old 08-26-2014, 12:02 PM   #14
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Two drums and a cymbal fell of a cliff.

Ba-dum-tsh
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Old 08-26-2014, 12:06 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theogonia777
king khufu called

the 4th dynasty wants your jokes back




funniest joke in this thread
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angusfan suck on your dads dick you ****ing shit head
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Old 08-26-2014, 12:49 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theogonia777
q: what is the difference between eric clapton and god

show

Holy shit

I didn't know Clapton was racist
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Old 08-26-2014, 01:46 PM   #17
citizencaveman
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ultimate-slash
Or perhaps you're just not that bright.


Looks like I'm not the only one guilty of passing on lame jokes.
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Old 08-26-2014, 01:52 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theogonia777
king khufu called

the 4th dynasty wants your jokes back

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95% of teens have moved on to hip hop. Put this in your sig if you're part of th 5% who care about REAL music.




Check out my...

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Old 08-26-2014, 01:55 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Weaponized
"Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend." LOL

#rekt
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Old 08-26-2014, 02:39 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Demon Wolf
Two drums and a cymbal fell of a cliff.

Ba-dum-tsh


two drums and a cymbal fell on a cliff

claire!

some drums fell on me with the snare and the crashing and the da-dum da-dum and the cymbals and the ching and, aw, you know what i'm talking about

i need some jello pudding
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lolmnt
That's right I have a four inch penis.


Now you have no excuse... | On Toni Loomi - Pink Floyd and Jazz
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