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Old 07-05-2010, 11:16 PM   #41
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hendrix_fan_14
You should post them in the Songwriting & Lyrics forum brah. You'll generally get pretty good advice from the regulars there.


+1; anyone who wants to post poetry/lyrics/whatever can do so in the S+L forum, that's what the forum's for. you can leave a link to your thread for people here too. oh, and make sure to read the rules, i'd be happy to ban y'all
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Old 07-06-2010, 03:24 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by cubs
+1; anyone who wants to post poetry/lyrics/whatever can do so in the S+L forum, that's what the forum's for. you can leave a link to your thread for people here too. oh, and make sure to read the rules, i'd be happy to ban y'all


I think people should find a way to post their other forms of narration in here (short stories and such). In pdf form or something. I'd be interested in reading them and might even steal some of their ideas . Haha just kidding on the last part.
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Old 07-06-2010, 04:51 AM   #43
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I've posted different snippets and pieces in many of the creative writing threads here and never received even a word of criticism, constructive or otherwise. The urge isn't there.
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Old 07-06-2010, 06:20 AM   #44
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Today a new era begins!

How about everyone posts something like 100 words of their current project? I'll start.

OK, it's 187 words, but I couldn't find anything that made sense in 100 words.
Quote:
"Is it just me, or has this been weirdly easy?" Cat wondered aloud. "I mean, this General bloke hasn't shown up, nor any of his men, and there's not a zombie in sight!"

"Maybe they don't know we survived the crash?"

"Suppose. Still no answer?"

"****-all from Prince wotsit, and even less from the DHPD."

"Well, we're almost in Leeds. Maybe his radio will pick up better when we get - " Cat fell silent as they came to the top of a hill and looked out over the city of Leeds. It was mid-day, but the streets were black with the massed bodies of the undead. The wind carried the constant moans of the horde up to them, and blew aside the scattered columns of smoke rising from the city.

"You know what you said before?" Gabby whispered. Cat nodded dumbly.

"I think they're all here."

Both of them had spent well over thirty years in constant contact with the undead. Nonetheless, as they descended the hill, they shifted closer to each other, Gabby leaning heavily on Cat's shoulder, wondering why they weren't running the other way.
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Old 07-06-2010, 12:56 PM   #45
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Old 07-06-2010, 01:13 PM   #46
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gabcd86
Today a new era begins!

How about everyone posts something like 100 words of their current project? I'll start.

OK, it's 187 words, but I couldn't find anything that made sense in 100 words.


Would you like some constructive criticism? Tough because you're getting some.

Quote:
"Is it just me, or has this been weirdly easy?" Cat wondered aloud. "I mean, this General bloke hasn't shown up, nor any of his men, and there's not a zombie in sight!" "Maybe they don't know we survived the crash?" "Suppose. Still no answer?" "****-all from Prince wotsit, and even less from the DHPD." "Well, we're almost in Leeds. Maybe his radio will pick up better when we get - " Cat fell silent as they came to the top of a hill and looked out over the city of Leeds. It was mid-day, but the streets were black with the massed bodiesof the undead. The wind carried the constant moans of the horde up to them, and blew aside the scattered columns of smoke rising from the city. "You know what you said before?" Gabby whispered. Cat nodded dumbly. "I think they're all here." Both of them had spent well over thirty years in constant contact with the undead. Nonetheless, as they descended the hill, they shifted closer to each other, Gabby leaning heavily on Cat's shoulder, wondering why they weren't running the other way.


I'll use my normal system;
Red can be cut out.
Blue is grammatically incorrect or could the language could be changed. Blue brackets is a suggested change (but I try and keep that to minimal unless it's awful, I dislike putting words in other peoples fingers.)
Green is either confusing or incoherent.

Now none of it is inconsistent or confusing, which is a good sign. Obviously it's hard to see inconsistencies in such small extracts but it's clear from the way you write that you do think about such.

The first red part (of Leeds) sounds slightly repetitious, due to you mentioning the name of the city only a short while before hand. The second red part is more subjective. Personally I feel it takes away from a sense of tension, the fact that you clarify that all the bodies are of 'undead'. Now clearly the undead are your antagonist and despite the fact it is a plural term, deeming them as the only casualty takes away from the fear and makes them appear more frail. However, this could, depending on the rest of the piece, be more of an implication of the efficiency of 'the General's' men, and so I may be wrong.

The blue part is highlighted because I felt it sounded slightly...I'm not sure. The sentence itself sounds wrong in a subtle way, breaking the flow of the piece. It may be the syntax, in which case always remember that each word you use has to expand on either the storyline or the description. However it may simply be my preferred manner of reading so I wouldn't worry about it. Try getting comments from others and this'll be clarified.

Overall though I thought it was good. The intimacy of the characters is clear and your use of dialogue is very good. Also you seem very clear in your approach to moving the plot on and the piece is very consistent in the manner of writing. Best of luck with the rest of it.

Edit: Just realised removing red2 would require changing the sentence before it to stay consistent to the syntax. Mhmm.
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Old 07-06-2010, 01:36 PM   #47
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From Disbelief. Zero (due for release in the upcoming Disbelief Press Release)


To have the choking inflammation of stale cigarette smoke, early morning vodka and fast food bacon breathed on his neck was actually incredibly welcoming for Paul. This was the smell of his closest friend, Jace, and the reason that it was on his neck was just because of the embrace that he was receiving. There was nothing quite like a Jace hug. It was tight enough to choke, close enough to choke and carried almost enough love to choke. It was nice.

They separated, and both sank into the near addictive seating by the windows in Indy’s. There was a moment during which they both sighed at the pleasure moulding around each of their arses, and then they were back to attention. They were sitting in a pub again. Since they had started at University, this was almost daily routine. Their group had neither shrunk nor grown, but that was the plan today. Just this once, the meeting had a purpose other than the inhalation of alcohol that was the usual one.




- Copyright Tom Colohue 2010
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Old 07-06-2010, 01:52 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by Colohue
From Disbelief. Zero (due for release in the upcoming Disbelief Press Release)


To have the choking inflammation of stale cigarette smoke, early morning vodka and fast food bacon breathed on his neck was actually incredibly welcoming for Paul. This was the smell of his closest friend, Jace, and the reason that it was on his neck was just because of the embrace that he was receiving. There was nothing quite like a Jace hug. It was tight enough to choke, close enough to choke and carried almost enough love to choke. It was nice.

They separated, and both sank into the near addictive seating by the windows in Indy’s. There was a moment during which they both sighed at the pleasure moulding around each of their arses, and then they were back to attention. They were sitting in a pub again. Since they had started at University, this was almost daily routine. Their group had neither shrunk nor grown, but that was the plan today. Just this once, the meeting had a purpose other than the inhalation of alcohol that was the usual one.




- Copyright Tom Colohue 2010


Eek. I don't know if I dare attempt to pull apart Colohue's work. Oh well I'll give it a go.

First off, you're work is akin to wiping your arse with silk, and I mean that in a good way. There's something quite raw and yet poetic about it. Overall I like the piece, only two things really struck me. First off was the 'It was nice.' ending to the first paragraph. It seemed very flat and cold in contrast to the figurative piece that it followed. Whether this juxtaposition was intentional I'm not sure, it just seemed like an out of place way to end a description. However as I said to gabcd86, it may just be that it doesn't fit my preferred style. Second was the final sentence of the second paragraph. The part 'that was the usual one.' sounded again, peculiar. The syntax sounds quite confused, although I'm unsure how to correct it.

Overall a very visceral and raw account that definitely poses questions and leads the narrative on in a very precise and measured way.

Here follows the start of one of my short, poetic stories.

Quote:
The soft trickle of glacial water tickled and caressed the soles of her feet, weaving through her toes and forming delicate whirlpools as they left. She gently edged forward on the modest jetty and chased the minnows with her shadow, her hand guiding them from two feet above. The shoal gently flickered in the fading light, her face shining with them. The sky was alight with a similar spectacle, the aurora dancing through the thin clouds and illuminating the icy peaks to her right. However, she was contented, her troupe of dancers shimmering in their untidy cohesion.
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Old 07-06-2010, 01:55 PM   #49
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ive been writing a book actually. Wrote a few pages and contacted my sisters friend who works at a publising company. She was pretty amazed.
Very Kurt Vonnegut like. but obviously not as geniuslike
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Old 07-06-2010, 01:59 PM   #50
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I love writing!

I'm en editor for my college's magazine. We're generally required to submit an article or two ourselves, so it's quite fun.
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Old 07-06-2010, 02:05 PM   #51
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It seems I've found the thread for me!

I've never participated in a UG flashfic competition (although I meant to write something for the first one).

Anyways, as my title and avatar would suggest, I'm a poet. I also do some human interest writing (I write for my school newspaper and yearbook, and I'm hoping to land a junior writer's gig with a local newspaper). I'd like to write a book one day, but I have no idea what it would be about. I've been playing with the notion of a children's book. I think my poetry skillz could be put to good use in writing a children's book.

I've considered a career in journalism, and while I'm certain that I'd be good at it, more recently the idea of being a language teacher has appealed to me greatly. I'd either be a Spanish teacher here in the States or an English teacher in a Spanish-speaking country (most preferably Argentina). If I became a teacher I could definitely still write on the side.

EDIT:

Quote:
Originally Posted by PeZ546
Ok, let's get some discussion going or something....

Has anyone ever attempted Automatic Writing? (Also known as Free Writing or Surrealist Automatism) For those of you who don't know, It's when you write whatever comes into your head without looking at what you're doing.

I tried to write a play using it once, but it turned out fucking weird so I binned it.


This is also known as flow-of-consciousness writing, and it can be very fun! I've actually done a couple of poems using flow-of-consciousness.
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Old 07-06-2010, 02:35 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by Todd Hart
The soft trickle of glacial water tickled and caressed the soles of her feet, weaving through her toes and forming delicate whirlpools as they left. She gently edged forward on the modest jetty and chased the minnows with her shadow - her hand guiding them from two feet above. The shoal gently flickered in the fading light, her face shining with them. The sky was alight with a similar spectacle, the aurora dancing through the thin clouds and illuminating the icy peaks to her right. However, she was contented, her troupe of dancers shimmering in their untidy cohesion.


'Tickled' is too close to 'trickled', both in the word itself and the proximity of it. It draws the eye back because it made me second guess what I'd read.

Tickling and caressing are near opposite actions. The first immediately negates the other and both cause opposite reactions.

Seriously? Whirlpools between her toes? I'm either misreading this or things just got a bit fantasy.

'Shoal' is singular if I'm not mistaken. 'Them' is plural.

Her face is shining due to fading light? Wait, the sky is still alight despite the aforementioned fading light? I'm confused again.

Why wouldn't she be content? 'However' is akin to saying 'Despite' or 'In Spite Of'. She has no reason not to be content.

To be 'Contented' requires something to be contented by, but you've followed it with a statement of description that is not personal to the character being described.

How are people shimmering? Am I reading Twilight here? That would be a dirty trick.

'Untidy' and 'Cohesion' is oxymoronic, but I trust that it's intentional.

Stylistically, most of your sentences are formed with almost exactly the same structure. You're describing something miraculous using a mundane flow. I also feel that there's too much additional description for the sore lack of actual description. If, for example, you were reviewing a painting, it's like you've reviewed the bottom-right ninth only. You need an overarcing central focus in order to maintain reader interest.




There you go. I'm fairly harsh in order to provide as much constructive material as possible, but it's all my opinion, so use it as you will. Thanks for your critique; you highlighted the one area I was unsure about, and spotted the deliberate character input on the writing. (The style of Disbelief does this in subtle ways, for example, I write from the perspective of characters who sometimes get annoyed with Ed, who doesn't speak, and this comes across in certain tensions in the writing rather than the actual interaction).

Also, if I can just inquire as to why you'd be loath to offer your input on my work. What's so special about me? I'm just glad to know that somebody read it, let alone took the time to offer me their opinions, so thank you.
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Old 07-06-2010, 03:01 PM   #53
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There you go. I'm fairly harsh in order to provide as much constructive material as possible, but it's all my opinion, so use it as you will. Thanks for your critique; you highlighted the one area I was unsure about, and spotted the deliberate character input on the writing. (The style of Disbelief does this in subtle ways, for example, I write from the perspective of characters who sometimes get annoyed with Ed, who doesn't speak, and this comes across in certain tensions in the writing rather than the actual interaction).

Also, if I can just inquire as to why you'd be loath to offer your input on my work. What's so special about me? I'm just glad to know that somebody read it, let alone took the time to offer me their opinions, so thank you.


Thanks for the critique. And don't worry about being harsh, I'm really uncertain about this piece anyway, you highlighted a few things I was unsure about myself. I don't like doing requests (which is what that piece is part of), especially around a fantasy style theme so any input into how to improve it is greatly appreciated.

Oh and - 'How are people shimmering? Am I reading Twilight here? That would be a dirty trick.' The 'troupe of dancers' is a reference to the minnows, which now I look at it isn't clear. And sadly the request is from somebody who is quite an avid fan of Twilight...I'm slightly ashamed to have captured that style in trying to pursue something similar. This fluffy happy writing is more depressing than writing about more gritty circumstances.

And it's not that I loathe to offer input, I just generally dislike pulling apart work that I've previously read and enjoyed (luckily the piece you posted I hadn't already read). I find a certain something is lost when you pull apart a piece in a very objective way.
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Old 07-06-2010, 03:08 PM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Todd Hart
Thanks for the critique. And don't worry about being harsh, I'm really uncertain about this piece anyway, you highlighted a few things I was unsure about myself. I don't like doing requests (which is what that piece is part of), especially around a fantasy style theme so any input into how to improve it is greatly appreciated.

Oh and - 'How are people shimmering? Am I reading Twilight here? That would be a dirty trick.' The 'troupe of dancers' is a reference to the minnows, which now I look at it isn't clear. And sadly the request is from somebody who is quite an avid fan of Twilight...I'm slightly ashamed to have captured that style in trying to pursue something similar. This fluffy happy writing is more depressing than writing about more gritty circumstances.

And it's not that I loathe to offer input, I just generally dislike pulling apart work that I've previously read and enjoyed (luckily the piece you posted I hadn't already read). I find a certain something is lost when you pull apart a piece in a very objective way.



Then write in different styles for practice, but stick to your strengths. I spend hours every week just writing out descriptions for places in my fictional fantasy world just to make sure that I can still do it.

Also, I'm surprised you've read my stuff. Didn't think many people had.
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Old 07-06-2010, 03:10 PM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PeZ546
I currently have ideas floating around in my head for about three or four novels, several short stories, and one TV screenplay, yet I can't bring myself to commit any of it to ink!



Why not? Try writing the short stories first, they're a bit less intimidating to start.
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Old 07-06-2010, 03:13 PM   #56
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Colohue
Then write in different styles for practice, but stick to your strengths. I spend hours every week just writing out descriptions for places in my fictional fantasy world just to make sure that I can still do it.

Also, I'm surprised you've read my stuff. Didn't think many people had.


I do. Thank you for the advice. I have 10 weeks off so I'm hoping to be able to write a fair bit.

And with regards to your work, I read through Lute a while back, up to about part 7 I think, but I believe that was the time when my internet was cancelled for a few months, and I never went back to it. I shall have to re-read it some time.

One thing I've noticed is that I find it far more enjoyable to write with an actual pencil and paper, than type it down on a computer. Does anybody else do something similar?
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Old 07-06-2010, 03:14 PM   #57
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Yay, writing.

I've been known to write about black metal bands every now and then
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Old 07-06-2010, 03:16 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by Todd Hart
I do. Thank you for the advice. I have 10 weeks off so I'm hoping to be able to write a fair bit.

And with regards to your work, I read through Lute a while back, up to about part 7 I think, but I believe that was the time when my internet was cancelled for a few months, and I never went back to it. I shall have to re-read it some time.

One thing I've noticed is that I find it far more enjoyable to write with an actual pencil and paper, than type it down on a computer. Does anybody else do something similar?


I'm the same, but for the sake of speed I tend to write on the computer.

Pssh. Lute is crap. Read Disbelief. Part Thirty or Life and Times (Hugh Gee 1)
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Old 07-06-2010, 03:17 PM   #59
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Colohue
I'm the same, but for the sake of speed I tend to write on the computer.

Pssh. Lute is crap. Read Disbelief. Part Thirty or Life and Times (Hugh Gee 1)


Haha. Okay, I'll check them out when my computer isn't being quite so temperamental. I hate broken reading.
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Old 07-06-2010, 03:24 PM   #60
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