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Old 08-12-2010, 08:59 AM   #1
SomeoneYouKnew
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Meadows

Take my hand, she said
with a smile on her face
glass and steel we fled
to an earthier place

Through streets and alleys
and the gray of the city
to paths and valleys
colours rich and pretty

Along the brook we walked
and swam through the clatter
of frogs as they talked
while crickets did scatter

Through hill and dale
to finally arrive
where butterflies sail
and wildflowers thrive

To the ground we tumbled
and gazed toward the sky
by the sights we were humbled
cloud scenes drifted by

Immersed in the scent
of this meadow of flowers
we basked in the beauty
for uncounted hours

A closer inspection
of each petal and spore
revealed a connection
I had not seen before

Those blossoms were thoughts
soft warm and kind
My darling had brought me
to the meadows of her mind.
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Old 08-12-2010, 11:52 AM   #2
RMWessels
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Its a bit too.. A-B-A-B for me.

Though nice use of works..
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Old 08-12-2010, 02:18 PM   #3
Jammydude44
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it's such a shame that the last two lines, your whole hook and finale, go a little wild on the flow you built up in the other stanzas.

I've had this problem tons before where my hook doesn't work. I don't know, the last line is a syllabel too long too fit snugly. I mean, it works, but where the last line could just BE, it doesn't, it stumbles and it just hinders that overall impression of the piece.

Others, nothing special and not my sort of thing really, but your usual style and touch is heartening. A favourite line of mine then. It's good for what it is (could be better with rephrasing of last line), but what it is isn't too much.
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Old 08-13-2010, 11:33 PM   #4
Blackwaterson89
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This actually pretty good, it actually has this romantic era style of writing from the 1800. You used the words beautiful, and carry it though like a smooth convo. Awesome job man.
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Old 08-15-2010, 07:15 PM   #5
Lou108
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i really enjoyed this peice, its flows very well from begining to finish. RMWessels said it was a we bit to much ABAB but it think you have used the pattern very well and tastefully. Excellent word choice, manage to set the scene and set the mood beautifuly.
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Old 08-15-2010, 07:55 PM   #6
vintage x metal
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smooth, sequential, and overall just sweet some of the phrasing could be cleaned up, such as here:
of frogs as they talked
while crickets did scatter

but it could disrupt the flow that has been required. easy on the eyes
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Old 08-16-2010, 02:29 AM   #7
Ramblin'_Man
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SomeoneYouKnew
Take my hand, she said
with a smile on her face
glass and steel we fled
to an earthier place

Through streets and alleys
and the gray of the city
to paths and valleys
colours rich and pretty

Along the brook we walked
and swam through the clatter
of frogs as they talked
while crickets did scatter <-I don't like "clatter" and "scatter", it sounds forced

Through hill and dale
to finally arrive
where butterflies sail
and wildflowers thrive

To the ground we tumbled
and gazed toward the sky
by the sights we were humbled
cloud scenes drifted by <-this stanza isn't bad, but doesn't hit me like the others

Immersed in the scent
of this meadow of flowers
we basked in the beauty
for uncounted hours <-maybe "countless"

A closer inspection
of each petal and spore
revealed a connection
I had not seen before

Those blossoms were thoughts
soft warm and kind
My darling had brought me
to the meadows of her mind.


This is great, I agree that the ABAB rhyme scheme can get old, but it makes this piece flow very well. I do think that you should rethink the final stanza. It's supposed to really grab the reader and make them think, and for me, it didn't really do that. It wasn't bad, I just think there is more potential. Good work, keep on writing
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