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Old 08-14-2010, 08:05 AM   #1
michal23
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kalms tablets.

there is no light in my lungs
and they're dripping
they're black and they're dripping
down into the liver
but there is no love,
there is no love in my liver and
it's crumbling, it's crumbling
into my kidneys
but my kidneys are panicked
and they can't cope and they're too fragile
and explode, helplessly,
they explode into my stomach
and my stomach corrodes me
and it flips inside out
and it spreads to my brain but my brain
doesn't like it but it's too late
it's engulfed and digested
and i'm digested
and i'm black and i'm dripping
and i'm crumbling
and i'm panicked
and i'm fragile
and all the while you're scared and i can't hear you.
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Old 08-14-2010, 04:52 PM   #2
DigUpHerBones
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this reminds me of my black piece where there's blackness all inside him.
it reminded me also of feelings that i've had so although it's not my kind of poem i think it's good.
i hope you're all well now and everyone is well.
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Old 08-15-2010, 10:44 AM   #3
Carmel
 
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Location: Israel
I enjoyed it until the last few lines.

You know when you have an idea that you are trying to write and the piece suddenly takes you elsewhere and you find yourself trying to drive that point through, but it just feels so forced and overworked and unnatural? This is how the ending feels to me. You shouldn't have gone so dramatic and over the top. I especially didn't like the jump to the brain when everything else talked about the gut. It felt like something so instinctive, such as the feeling you have in your gut. The brain is over-complexed and felt out of place in this poem.

I really enjoyed most of the piece though and I think you have something that you can really work with and mould into something even more original.
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Old 08-16-2010, 03:15 AM   #4
alaskan_ninja
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This piece seems a tad jarring, not quite right, and that's keeping it from being really great. It feels like you stuck too closely to some sort of scaffolding here, like the words weren't written in the order that they appear, but were planned out like 'lungs-liver-kidneys-stomach-brain' with the rest filled in later. I think it could use a bit less structure and a bit more happenstance, a bit more impulsiveness.

I love the last six lines, though. There it's honest, raw, meaningful. It's a feeling that I can relate to. The last line in particular is great, because it's so different than everything else, and stands out. It's a great way to bring things to a close and leaves the reader thinking.
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