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Old 08-13-2010, 12:35 PM   #1
Lou108
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Broken Gods

Broken Gods

model made with a broken mould,
the exterior seems polished,
but inside the clay has crumbled,
leaving only a shell of a man.

follow in the footsteps of a broken god,
follow them down the uncertain dirt path,
turn your back on the person you used to be,
theres no going back now that your tarnished,

on your knees you prayed,
to be just like your embodied dream,
now your knees bleed,
from the depth you have fallen.

your eyes buldge blood shot,
your head pounds with shame,
you strayed a long time ago,
thats what the tear drops say.

if you could go back and change,
you know there would be no point,
you wanted to go down that path,
this is where you thought you wanted to be,
but this is not where you thought you would be.


your thoughts are wrong.
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Last edited by Lou108 : 08-13-2010 at 01:38 PM.
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Old 08-13-2010, 12:49 PM   #2
24WildRovers
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That is really good. The only thing, the last line of your second stanza has a typo; the second "no" is suppose to be "now," I think. Other than that, it is perfect Keep on Writing
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Old 08-13-2010, 12:53 PM   #3
Lou108
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well spotted, thanks for the crit
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Old 08-13-2010, 01:16 PM   #4
Ramblin'_Man
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lou108
Broken Gods

model made with as broken mould, <-shouldn't it be "with" or "as"?
the exterior seems polished,
but inside the clay has crumbled,
leaving only a shell of a man. <-the rest of the verse is great

follow in the footsteps of a broken god,
follow them down the uncertain dirt path, <-path sounds kind of awkward to me
turn your back on the person you used to be, try road, or a synonym maybe
theres no going back now that your tarnished,

on your knees you prayed,
to be just like your embodied dream,
now your knees bleed,
from the depth you have fallen. <-sounds cool, but idk how one's knees bleed from the
depths

your eyes buldge blood shot,
your head pounds with shame,
you strayed a long time ago, <-perfect stanza!
thats what the tear drops say.

if you could go back and change,
you know theres would be no point, <-"there's" or "there would be"
you wannted to go down that path, <-wanted, with 1 n
this is where you thought you wanted to be,
but this is not where you thought you would be.


your thoughts are wrong.



This is good, a few improvements could be made, but this is great. I like the ending, it is a similar style (not copying by any means) to some stuff I have written. Great work, keep on writing.
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Old 08-14-2010, 12:01 AM   #5
SomeoneYouKnew
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Broken Gods

model made with a broken mould,
the exterior seems polished,
but inside the clay has crumbled,
leaving only a shell of a man.

follow in the footsteps of a broken god,
follow them down the uncertain dirt path,
turn your back on the person you used to be,
theres no going back now that your tarnished, *there's (there is) *you're (you are)

on your knees you prayed,
to be just like your embodied dream,
now your knees bleed,
from the depth you have fallen.

your eyes buldge blood shot, *bulge
your head pounds with shame,
you strayed a long time ago,
thats what the tear drops say. *that's (that is)

if you could go back and change,
you know there would be no point,
you wanted to go down that path,
this is where you thought you wanted to be,
but this is not where you thought you would be.


your thoughts are wrong.
This is a fairly destructive line. You've basically been alluding to this throughout the piece, but in a less obvious way. Here, it reads as though you have such little faith in your message getting across that you are resorting to coming right out and saying it. imho, it should not even need to be said.

This piece reads like a judgmental criticism of someone. Always dangerous territory. To get the reader/listener further engaged you might try changing the point of view. Inject yourself or yourself and the reader/listener in those shoes. Instead of "you", make it "I" or "we". Then instead of sounding judgmental, the tone is one of reflection and introspective. Self-doubt inspires empathy.


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