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Old 10-30-2010, 01:59 AM   #1
SubwayToVenus
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smoke signals

you think you feel me but
you can't feel me. you're even
missing yourself by degrees,

because here's what i've seen:

a lighted window in an attic
overlooking a cobblestone street,
while fallen leaves call in the empassioned
death of your green eyes. you see autumn
and for that, i'll never let you live it down

it's past the point when hell became a campus town,
when cheap liquor resonated with no feeling,
with no yowling sounds. mornings still break free
and roam about, but you just never
encounter them conscious.

my conscience is pristine, though,
and my life is just as you left it, so
believe me because
this weather has the kind of aesthetic
that it needs no undressing,

rather, it needs more sweaters and blankets,
more gloves and fires and logs,
more long socks and hands and feet to roast

though tomorrow morning will never find you cold
enough
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Old 10-30-2010, 01:09 PM   #2
lespaulkid123
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Very strong piece. I think the way you rhymed off/on was very effective in this song. The ending kinda shocked me, well, not shocked, impressed. Just very cool writing in this. For some reason though, I hear it as a slow metal song. I don't know why, but it strikes me that way.


This is my most current piece, if you would be so kind and check it out? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1373225
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Old 10-30-2010, 03:22 PM   #3
vintage x metal
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the stanzas feel like they end without closure; a space put between lines to separate thoughts but the thoughts aren't quite complete. it's minor but it just makes the piece feel a little more nervous than blankets and long socks ever would.

still, beautiful, as always. i hope you articulate these thoughts to the people they're directed to sometimes, not just in this, but in everything you write.
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Old 10-31-2010, 05:06 PM   #4
SubwayToVenus
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thank you both. and saadia, i agree about some of the stanza breaks. it's something i've tried to work on because i feel, as you said, that i go on to a new thought without completing the previous thought first.

and i try articulating some of this stuff to the people they're directed to, but it turns out it's a pretty difficult thing to do
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Old 11-01-2010, 09:06 PM   #5
vintage x metal
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That's the vibe I got from your poems and from us talking, you seem really laid back in person but you have a lot to say in your poetry. I just hope you don't think you're being whiny/emotional or anything by expressing it; it leads to some beautiful poetry from you and makes for a beautiful person
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Old 11-02-2010, 06:10 PM   #6
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i think this has some great images. i enjoyed it and that's all i have to say for now.
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Old 11-03-2010, 06:07 AM   #7
alaskan_ninja
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I like all the rhymes that are hiding there, like small animals in the forest. And other things too. The autumn-ness.
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Old 11-03-2010, 06:49 AM   #8
acoustic_jesus
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Really liked this piece. Very powerful, emotional and just a thing of beauty. Someone wrote earlier that you almost leave your stanzas to soon and move on to your next thought, I kind of agree with that but this is really a great piece of art.
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Old 11-03-2010, 10:15 PM   #9
SubwayToVenus
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thanks everyone. i appreciate the kind words. i promise to return the favor to all of you
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Old 11-05-2010, 07:15 AM   #10
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I enjoyed it.
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