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Old 11-09-2010, 06:47 PM   #1
24WildRovers
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Fighting the Squall

The storm rises beyond the horizon
And I'm here in my little boat;
I've sailed the seas all alone
Only long enough for a squall wave
To come crashing down upon me.

It's different out here on the seas,
Heroes die without any glory
There are no happy ending stories
The rain and the wind blows
But the sailors still sails on

All I have to leave behind me
Is just what I've found before me,
I will not go down this day
With my back against the squall.
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Last edited by 24WildRovers : 11-12-2010 at 01:41 PM.
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Old 11-10-2010, 07:33 AM   #2
BloodCold
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 24WildRovers
The storm rises beyond the horizon
^^I like this line.
And I'm here in my tiny little boat;
^^Leave out either "tiny" or "little"
I've sailed the seas all alone
Only long enough for a squall wave
To come crashing down upon me.
^^Good opening.

It's different out here on the seas,
There are no heros or glory
We all end up living the same story,
Hoping to sail another cloudless day
To sail through the seas once again.
^^Whole stanza needs a re-write (except, maybe the first line).

All I have to leave behind me
Is just what I've found before me,
^^I love these 2lines.
But I will forever fight
^^"forever fight" sounds weird.
With my back against the squall.

...
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Old 11-10-2010, 10:40 AM   #3
24WildRovers
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BloodCold
...

Thanks That really helps
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Old 11-12-2010, 12:27 AM   #4
Bass21
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I like It ! ! !
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Old 11-12-2010, 03:48 AM   #5
MousseMoose
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I'm not much of a crtique for writing yet, but the last two lines of the second stanza confuse me because they don't seem grammatically correct. Might want to check up on that.
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Old 11-12-2010, 01:43 PM   #6
24WildRovers
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bass21
I like It ! ! !

Glad you liked it
Quote:
Originally Posted by MousseMoose
I'm not much of a crtique for writing yet, but the last two lines of the second stanza confuse me because they don't seem grammatically correct. Might want to check up on that.

Thanks for the comment I noticed that you haven't posted a thread in this forum yet, but when you do I will critique it
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Old 06-18-2011, 04:17 AM   #7
Rowrena Chan
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Ahh.. so you write poetry As I said in a PM... I suck at critiquing... and all I can come up with is that it's really good! My favourite line will have to be 'All I have to leave behind me
Is just what I've found before me'
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Old 06-18-2011, 09:11 AM   #8
24WildRovers
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rowrena Chan
Ahh.. so you write poetry As I said in a PM... I suck at critiquing... and all I can come up with is that it's really good! My favourite line will have to be 'All I have to leave behind me
Is just what I've found before me'

Well thank you for this comment, I am glad you liked it
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