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Old 11-28-2010, 02:12 PM   #1
Mister Holloway
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South East London, UK.
Take The Pain

Take The Pain
Mister Holloway

When you tell me that you love me,
I can't stand this feeling of being apart.
But I know that one day,
you'll only break my heart.

So I'm telling you now, goodbye, girl, goodbye.
Wanna get out of here before I watch this thing die.
I can't stand to have my heart broken again,
I don't think I, I don't think I, I don't think I,
could take the pain.

Something tells me that this isn't right,
and that we could last forever.
But I can't take a chance on that,
and keep my heart on this tether.

So I'm telling you now, goodbye, girl, goodbye.
Wanna get out of here before I watch this thing die.
I can't stand to have my heart broken again,
I don't think I, I don't think I, I don't think I,
could take the pain.

I'm sorry for any pain this may give you,
I wouldn't want to make your soft eyes cry.
Please don't take it so personally,
eventually everything dies.

So I'm telling you now, goodbye, girl, goodbye.
Wanna get out of here before I watch this thing die.
I can't stand to have my heart broken again,
I don't think I, I don't think I, I don't think I,
could take the pain.

I don't think I, I don't think I, I don't think I,
could take the pain.
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Old 11-29-2010, 02:05 AM   #2
anowilisgvyona
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Pretty well written piece as far as rhyme, rhythm, and how it all ties together. The structure is good for the most part.

I'm about to make a few points below to be constructive...and I certainly hope that none of it offends you. That is by no means my intention. I just want to run a few of my thoughts by you on what I notice as a reader of your work.

For some reason, I've never been too impressed with 4 line, abab/abcb stanzas...I think they are kind of cookie-cutter and require little thought and emotion. That's a personal opinion and not a flaw in your writing, however.

I thought your imagery was a little plain. You're lyrics didn't "paint the picture"....they were just words..They didn't stimulate my imagination...I don't know if follow me, if you get the point i'm trying to get across. I guess i'm trying to say to add some personality and vividness to your vocabulary.

One more point I want to make. This is exactly the kind of song that I get sick of hearing from mainstream writers. The material and the meaning in the lyrics, to me, seem cliche and almost fake. I hope that doesn't offend you. If wrote these lyrics from something you have felt or seen and if they are real to YOU.....that's a different case. But this sound too much like "everything else" for me to really be amazed by this piece. It's not unique.

Like I said, I did not mean for that to be harsh. I wanted to provide some constructive citicism from my thoughts as a reader.

If you get some time, would you mind giving your thoughts on one of mine? Links are in the signature below. Thanks!!
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Old 12-02-2010, 06:57 AM   #3
Mister Holloway
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South East London, UK.
Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to post your thoughts on my lyrics, I appreciate it.

I understand what you mean about the imagery being a little plain, however, this is completely intentional. Due to the nature of the song, I figured that it deserved an almost apathetic approach to it, and clearly this seems to have worked, to some degree.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you say it's cliche, because I honestly can't think of any songs like this which are by mainstream musicians. It's not a love-song, it's a sort of not-love song, if that makes sense.

Perhaps I'm getting a little defensive over my work, which is quite possible, but I don't see how that part of your critique really applies.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and voice your opinion - much appreciated!
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