11-28-2010, 02:12 PM
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#1 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South East London, UK.
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Take The Pain
Take The Pain
Mister Holloway When you tell me that you love me, I can't stand this feeling of being apart. But I know that one day, you'll only break my heart. So I'm telling you now, goodbye, girl, goodbye. Wanna get out of here before I watch this thing die. I can't stand to have my heart broken again, I don't think I, I don't think I, I don't think I, could take the pain. Something tells me that this isn't right, and that we could last forever. But I can't take a chance on that, and keep my heart on this tether. So I'm telling you now, goodbye, girl, goodbye. Wanna get out of here before I watch this thing die. I can't stand to have my heart broken again, I don't think I, I don't think I, I don't think I, could take the pain. I'm sorry for any pain this may give you, I wouldn't want to make your soft eyes cry. Please don't take it so personally, eventually everything dies. So I'm telling you now, goodbye, girl, goodbye. Wanna get out of here before I watch this thing die. I can't stand to have my heart broken again, I don't think I, I don't think I, I don't think I, could take the pain. I don't think I, I don't think I, I don't think I, could take the pain. |
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11-29-2010, 02:05 AM
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#2 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2010
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Pretty well written piece as far as rhyme, rhythm, and how it all ties together. The structure is good for the most part.
I'm about to make a few points below to be constructive...and I certainly hope that none of it offends you. That is by no means my intention. I just want to run a few of my thoughts by you on what I notice as a reader of your work. For some reason, I've never been too impressed with 4 line, abab/abcb stanzas...I think they are kind of cookie-cutter and require little thought and emotion. That's a personal opinion and not a flaw in your writing, however. I thought your imagery was a little plain. You're lyrics didn't "paint the picture"....they were just words..They didn't stimulate my imagination...I don't know if follow me, if you get the point i'm trying to get across. I guess i'm trying to say to add some personality and vividness to your vocabulary. One more point I want to make. This is exactly the kind of song that I get sick of hearing from mainstream writers. The material and the meaning in the lyrics, to me, seem cliche and almost fake. I hope that doesn't offend you. If wrote these lyrics from something you have felt or seen and if they are real to YOU.....that's a different case. But this sound too much like "everything else" for me to really be amazed by this piece. It's not unique. Like I said, I did not mean for that to be harsh. I wanted to provide some constructive citicism from my thoughts as a reader. If you get some time, would you mind giving your thoughts on one of mine? Links are in the signature below. Thanks!!
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C4C --> http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru....php?p=28529534 |
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12-02-2010, 06:57 AM
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#3 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: South East London, UK.
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Hi,
Thanks for taking the time to post your thoughts on my lyrics, I appreciate it. I understand what you mean about the imagery being a little plain, however, this is completely intentional. Due to the nature of the song, I figured that it deserved an almost apathetic approach to it, and clearly this seems to have worked, to some degree. I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you say it's cliche, because I honestly can't think of any songs like this which are by mainstream musicians. It's not a love-song, it's a sort of not-love song, if that makes sense. Perhaps I'm getting a little defensive over my work, which is quite possible, but I don't see how that part of your critique really applies. Thanks again for taking the time to read and voice your opinion - much appreciated! |
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